Rules for Home-Run Hitters

Following the recent criticism of Alfonso Soriano, New Moon has established the following rules for home-run hitters as they trot around the bases:

1. After watching the ball clear the ivy, do not turn on your portable TV to watch it again on instant replay.

2. Do not have flowers delivered to the pitcher while he's still on the mound.

3. Do not take out your cell phone to tell your relatives about the homer.

4. Do not stop to make an entry in your diary.

5. Do not attempt to give the first baseman the high five.

6. Do not ask the second baseman if he wants your autograph.

7. Do not do cartwheels while running the bases.

8. Do not roll out your Lay-Z-Boy at third base.

9. Do not lie down to take a nap on home plate.

10. Do not ask any of the umpires to take photos of the ball in flight.

New Moon reserves the right to institute additional rules as needed.