Lindsay

Great news from our rich and famous boneheads. Lindsay Lohan did not perform in a sex tape with her former boneheaded boyfriend. The woman who is actually in the tape is a yet unknown somebody from the Middle West. The ex-boyfriend also denies starring in the videotape, a tape unlikely to ever win an Academy Award.

Lindsay Lohan

Bad news for Lindsay Lohan fans. LL is apparently back on the bottle. If we can believe a video of Lindsay made in Capri, Italy, she was swilling Champagne straight from the bottle on New Year's Eve. LL's lawyer, however, has told us not to worry. That will be easy for me. I wasn't worried to begin with.

If you're worried about Lindsay, send her a letter warning her to stay off the booze until her probation ends. Otherwise, she may find herself in the cooler for quite a rest.

Lindsay To Report for Jail Time

The word at your grocer's checkout aisle is that Lindsay Lohan may report for her second day of jail time on Thanksgiving. The brainless reason for this alleged plan is that by showing up on a holiday, she may attract less attention to her arrival and departure.

The editorial staff at New Moon thinks that this scheme is one of the craziest in recent memory. If everyone has the day off, why won't more curious primates hang out down at the jail to watch the rich and famous bonehead strut her stuff?

Lindsay has to complete the second of two days in the slammer because of her previous conviction for drunk driving and possession of cocaine.

Lindsay Lohan Wants Blood

While we were all engrossed in the comings and goings of Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan has been going for blood.

As part of the community service she is required to perform following her two drunk-driving convictions, Lindsay arrived at an American Red Cross blood center at noon on Monday and departed at 7:00 PM.

New Moon hasn't been able to find out exactly what kind of work Lindsay did for the Red Cross, although we are aware that LL must complete ten days of community service and two days of jail service as part of her sentence.

LL has already done one day of jail time and must complete the second day by January 2008.

Lindsay Returns

Breaking news for Lindsay Lohan fans. According to her parents, this rich and famous user of controlled substances has checked out of Cirque Lodge, a country-club rehab joint in Utah. Mom and dad didn't say exactly where Lindsay was. They only revealed where she wasn't.

Earlier parental statements said that LL would stay out of Los Angeles, where temptation awaits the rich and famous in every saloon. Lindsay still has to spend a day in the slammer for previous incidents of drunk driving and possession of cocaine.

Dad to the Rescue

Michael Lohan has a magic drug that will cure his daughter's problems. The drug is called Vivitrol. Dad says that one injection a month will end Lindsay's devotion to alcohol. By the time she leaves a Utah rehap factory later this month, Lindsay will be a new person.

Michael Lohan was released from prison in March after serving two years for various charges.

Dad says that the drug has a shiny new molecular structure that will fix Lindsay's craving for booze. He didn't say if it will increase her intelligence.

Mike and Lindsay will spend some time together. Dad wants to do some hiking in the mountains. Lindsay wants to go shopping.

It's Lindsay Again and Again

The Cubs are presently losing to the deplorable Florida Marlins. So let's avoid the whole mess and turn our attention to rich and famous boneheads.

Lindsay Lohan is presently a resident at the Cirque Lodge in Utah. The Cirque Lodge is a country-club rehab center for rich and famous abusers of drugs and alcohol.

For reasons unknown to the editorial staff of New Moon, rumors about Lindsay have emerged from deep in the tar pits of Los Angeles. These rumors say that Lindsay is about to leave the Cirque Lodge and make a quick exit from Utah.

But wait! Lindsay's dear mother says the rumors are false! Yes, false! Mom says Lindsay will stay put because she "has a few more weeks to grow and develop."

New Moon has no idea what Lindsay will grow and develop into.

Lindsay Sentenced to Jail

Sad news for Lindsay Lohan fans. The rich and famous dumbbell has been sentenced to one day in jail. New Moon does not yet know where she will spend her incarceration.

In a plea bargain, LL pleaded guilty to use of cocaine and no contest to drunk driving and reckless driving. LL previously denied that she possessed or used cocaine after being arrested in July.

Lindsay on the Loose

People in the know spotted Lindsay Lohan at Beaches Salon in Utah on Tuesday. She purchased some tanning preparations and apparently left without endangering or insulting anyone.

Reports state that LL then strolled about for a while before returning to a country-club Mormon rehab joint called Cirque Lodge.

On the downside for LL, the woman she chased around Malibu in her car has filed suit. New Moon doesn't know how much the woman is seeking, but it's bound to be more than spare change.

Lindsay Lohan Cleans Her Toilet!

According to various sources, Lindsay Lohan has checked into a Mormon rehab center in Orem, Utah. The center, which is called the Cirque Lodge, gets big bucks from rich and famous drunks and addicts.

As part of her therapy, LL cleans her room. Her room contains a toilet, so she cleans that too. I clean my toilet, but I don't have to pay the Mormons before I do it. Lindsay also washes her clothes and dishes.

In order to receive all this high-powered therapy, LL, or somebody, is allegedly paying the Mormons $30,000 a day.

I have a big house. I'd rent LL a room where she could sleep, clean, and wash for half what the Cirque Lodge charges. I'd rent her the whole house for only $15,000 a day.

To make sure she has all the room she needs, I'll move to Rio until LL is cured of whatever disease she has.

The Latest From Lindsay

Lindsay Lohan fans are sick to death with worries about the drunken starlet. Worry, worry, worry. What will Lindsay do next?

According to the word on skid row, LL is either hiding at her mother's house, or she is doing rehab at an expensive private drunk tank in Utah.

LL is out on $25,000 bail after her latest OMVI charge. According to the last report, her next court appearance is still set for August 24.

Lindsay Lohan Out On Bail

New Moon has serious news for Lindsay Lohan fans. Your favorite nitwit had to fork over $25,000 in bail money to walk around in a drunken stupor until her court appearance on August 24.

The police allegedly found cocaine in Lindsay's pocket, but LL denied all such charges. "I am innocent," she said. She may have to convince a jury.

LL insisted that she "did not do drugs." Regarding the drugs the police found, LL said, "They're not mine." LL may have to tell a jury just who did own the alleged cocaine.

Lindsay Lohan in Deep Manure

Bad news for Lindsay Lohan fans. A woman called the police and said that LL was chasing her through Malibu.

New Moon does not know who the woman was. We don’t even know who Lindsay was.

The police arrested Lohan for driving under the influence. They smelled something on her breath, and it wasn’t buttermilk. And now the manure deepens.

The police say Lohan had cocaine in her pocket. They didn’t say which pocket.

LL said, “I am innocent.” She’s out on $25,000 bail.

Watch out, Malibu. Here comes Lindsay.

Lohan Fans Rejoice

Lindsay Lohan fans have reason to celebrate. Their favorite celebrity drunk has completed 45 days of rehab and is now free to go stepping out.

Lindsay got into trouble to start with when she wrecked her Mercedes-Benz while, according to the authorities, under the influence of something, and it wasn't buttermilk.

Lindsay will now be in an outpatient program, including AA meetings, therapy for drunks, and daily alcohol testing.