Humor And Testosterone

Professor Sam Shuster, an English physician, decided to ride his unicycle down the streets of Newcastle upon Tyne. As he rode, he recorded the reactions of people who saw him. He found that most women made encouraging remarks. Most men made jokes.

Men tend to make more jokes than women, Shuster says, and men make jokes that are more aggressive than women's jokes. Dr. Shuster says the easiest explanation for this lies in the male hormone testosterone.

All of Dr. Shuster's observations about male and female humor can be found in the lastest issue of the British Medical Journal.

More Sad News in the Southern Hemisphere

In all confidence, I must now tell you that south of the Equator, the people sound altogether too much like the people of England! It appears that these people did not dump tea in a harbor, did not sign a Declaration of Independence, did not shoot at soldiers in bright-red uniforms, and generally did not do what all right-thinking people did in the 1770’s.

We live in troubled times.

Language Trouble South of the Equator

I like to take a generous attitude toward the people of any country south of the Equator, but I am baffled by “aluminium.” This is apparently the word used for the metal otherwise known as “aluminum.” When I first heard al-u-min-i-um, I thought the speaker had been drinking an inferior brand of beer. But then I saw the word in print in an otherwise reputable journal. Now I see and hear the word everywhere.

We live in troubled times.

More Trouble in the South Pacific

In the South Pacific, global warming has caused all the refrigerators to melt.

The refrigerator crisis has caused Island.com and Island.org to declare war on each other, although neither country has an army, navy, or air force.

Reports from Island.com and Island.org state that no casualties have occurred in the first week of warfare.

In the most recent election in the island nation of Tasmansea, the Sheep Party won all seats in Parliament. The party’s first act was to change the national anthem to “Baa, Baa, Black Sheep.”

Most sheep in Tasmansea prefer to drive the Dodge Ram, although the Swedish Woolvo is also popular.

Sheep now control a majority interest in Woolworth’s.

“Minutes”

Here’s a teaser, one paragraph from “Minutes,” a short story now available from Amazon Shorts. The author of New Moon is also the author of “Minutes.” Here we go:

Burning Desire Romance Writers

Dressed in a lovely burgundy evening gown, Chairwoman Angela Chandler Dumont rose from her chair at the head of the long, gleaming walnut table and called the meeting to order at eight o’clock. “Ladies,” she said breathlessly, “first I must thank our hostess on behalf of the group. The chilled champagne and lightly sautéed vegetables orientale were exquisite, especially in this beautiful setting in Deepwater’s exclusive East End, with the moonlight streaming through the high windows with their Palladian summits. Thank you, Penelope.”

Want to read more? Go to the right sidebar and click on “Amazon Shorts.” Then get ready to pay a mere 49 cents.

Trouble in the South Pacific

I’m presently touring the island nations of the South Pacific. I’m paying for this fact-finding mission with a grant funded by the U.S. Department of State. Like all such grants, I received this one by bribing a member of Congress.

My tour has brought me to the island nation of New Zealand, where the major impediment to a just society is the overpopulation of sheep. Sheep outnumber humans by 567 trillion to 4 million. The Sheep Party controls Parliament, and therefore all branches of government.

Parliament has passed laws banning cows and hogs from both the North Island and the South Island. Air New Zealand is presently flying non-stop between New Zealand and Australia, carrying overbooked loads of cattle and hogs to new homes in Australia.

Sheep now clog the roads with their cars and pickups. Their favorite pickup is the Dodge Ram. Sheep have bought up all available housing. The kitchens, parlors, and beds are full of sheep. Sheep demand and get the best seats at restaurants, theaters, and concerts.

No one yet knows how to end the gross injustice brought on the people and livestock of the island nation of New Zealand.

Big Trouble in Deepwater

Have you ever served as the secretary of a local group or organization? If you have, you will recall the painful effort required to write down everything that was said or done. Forget all that now and come with me to the town of Deepwater, Iowa. (There is no deep water in Iowa.) Read the minutes kept by the secretaries of five groups, starting with the Deepwater Skywatch Support Group as it deals with issues such as space aliens in a silo and the expensive obstacles involved in the creation of an alien-abduction hall of fame. You can purchase this comic masterpiece for only 49 cents. Clink on this link and get ready to laugh: Minutes.

News from the South Pacific

On the islands of the South Pacific, water goes down the drain in a counterclockwise whirl, causing all the plumbing to explode.

The sun rises in the west and sets in the east, making it impossible to navigate a ship by means of an astrolabe. This causes ship captains to lose their way and crash into the coast of Australia.

Military tyrants dissolve parliaments and arrest presidents because they were “causing trouble.”

When I get drunk and get lost in the night, I can’t find my way by means of the North Star. This causes me to crash into the coast of Australia.

The sun crosses the sky in the wrong place, which makes it impossible to tell north from south. Citizens on the islands of the South Pacific think they’re heading north until they drive off the bluffs, fall into the ocean, and crash into the coast, etc.

McNaught’s Comet recently crossed the South Pacific and fell into Melbourne, Australia, where it horrified all the kangaroos in parliament.

Kangaroos have recently become pests on the islands of the South Pacific. No one knows where they came from, but they arrived from the west, wet and tired.

Opossums have become a menace to literature in the South Pacific, where they climb down chimneys and eat all the hard-boiled detective fiction.

Hedgehogs have begun breaking into movie vaults and poking holes in the film noir.

Following the next eclipse of the moon, all the islands will slip beneath the waters of the South Pacific.

Patrick is in seclusion somewhere in the South Pacific.

The Trouble With Humor

I’m from the Middle West, where I and my fellow taxpayers use a common form of humor. This humor combines exaggeration, irony, and self-denigration. The trouble with all this is that people from outside the Middle West don’t always get the joke.
Many years ago I met a nice fellow from somewhere in the eastern part of the United States. At one point he told me that he was a poet. “A poet,” I said. “I have to tell you that I can’t tell iambic pentameter from a row of beans.”
“Don’t derogate yourself,” he said with the kindness of a saint. “You can learn whatever you want.”
This baffled me. I didn’t know what to say. You can’t tell a guy that he missed the joke. That would be insulting. I realized that it didn’t matter if he understood that “beans” meant “soybeans.” I could’ve said “corn,” but it was already too late. I also saw that it would be pointless to show him one of my sonnets.
While still a lad and all the world was in birth, I fell in love with a girl named Mary. She came from South America. Her black hair, brown eyes, and numerous other bodily improvements hit me like a gravel truck. She was a girl, I was a boy, and the summer fields of Iowa rose and fell with the feminine attributes Grant Wood made famous.
The girl went off to visit someone somewhere beyond the Poconos. When she returned, I rushed to her side. “We need to talk,” she said. The “need to talk” has spoiled far too many of my summers.
“Why?” I said.
“I don’t love you the way I did before.”
“Why not?”
Mary, who was growing tired of my questions, produced an answer. “You’re too critical of yourself. You don’t have enough self-respect.” (These events occurred prior to the popularity of the term “self-esteem.”)
The need to talk ended. I could’ve told Mary she was a humorless moron, but that wouldn’t have made her think any better of me. Someone later told me that Mary had got married and divorced. Events happen quickly. I assume that the need to talk arose.
I’m presently visiting the country of New Zealand, where the people are friendly and polite. I’ve met many of these people, and I interject humor into every conversation. Sometimes the victim laughs. Others may smile. The Iranian barber at a nearby town always laughs at my jokes, and I laugh at his. “You should charge a dollar per eyebrow,” I said.
“Next time,” he said. “Next time.”
I’m staying with my friend Joyce, who owns a house in New Zealand. Joyce is from Iowa. A opossum came down one of her two chimneys and made a mess. This offended me so much that I climbed onto the roof of the house and put some chicken wire over the appropriate chimney. The opossum hasn’t come back.
I made far too many comedic gestures during this heroic chimney work. Joyce laughed, but not until I returned to earth.
I hope Joyce doesn’t tell me I lack self-respect. I hope she doesn’t say we need to talk. You never know what’s going to come down the chimney.