News from the South Pacific

On the islands of the South Pacific, water goes down the drain in a counterclockwise whirl, causing all the plumbing to explode.

The sun rises in the west and sets in the east, making it impossible to navigate a ship by means of an astrolabe. This causes ship captains to lose their way and crash into the coast of Australia.

Military tyrants dissolve parliaments and arrest presidents because they were “causing trouble.”

When I get drunk and get lost in the night, I can’t find my way by means of the North Star. This causes me to crash into the coast of Australia.

The sun crosses the sky in the wrong place, which makes it impossible to tell north from south. Citizens on the islands of the South Pacific think they’re heading north until they drive off the bluffs, fall into the ocean, and crash into the coast, etc.

McNaught’s Comet recently crossed the South Pacific and fell into Melbourne, Australia, where it horrified all the kangaroos in parliament.

Kangaroos have recently become pests on the islands of the South Pacific. No one knows where they came from, but they arrived from the west, wet and tired.

Opossums have become a menace to literature in the South Pacific, where they climb down chimneys and eat all the hard-boiled detective fiction.

Hedgehogs have begun breaking into movie vaults and poking holes in the film noir.

Following the next eclipse of the moon, all the islands will slip beneath the waters of the South Pacific.

Patrick is in seclusion somewhere in the South Pacific.