End of a Legend

At the age of 81, Fidel Castro has stepped down as president and commander-in-chief of Cuba. While everyone else is analyzing his political carreer, here at New Moon, we want to know what of baseball player he was. Did he throw left or right? Did he bat left or right? What kind of batting average did he have? What position did he play? We think he may have been a pitcher. If so, what was his ERA? Forget the politics. We want statistics.

Russian Brides

Most of my readers are baseball fans. If you are one of those, and if you are male and unattached, you may find yourself wishing that you had a marriage or relationship. If you could find someone from another country who wanted to learn from your knowledge of baseball and other American topics, that would be even better.

Consider something else. What are you going to do next fall when the baseball season ends? Some sports fans can slide from baseball into football. Many cannot. If you're one of those who cannot make the transition, you may find yourself feeling lonely.

If you feel lonely, you can do one of two things. You can sit around all winter feeling sorry for yourself, or you can try to find a suitable partner.

That's when Lovers Planet can come to your aid. Lovers Planet is an online dating service that introduces Russian women to American men. In a great many cases, the Russian women eventually become russian brides. A match like this doesn't happen overnight. It takes time for the relationship to mature.

The service begins by providing profiles and photos of Russian women, along with women from Ukraine and other Eastern European countries. These women are looking for relationships that will lead to marriage. They are attractive, intelligent, and well-educated.

Most of the women of Russia and Eastern Europe wish to start a family while they are still young. They prefer to put off a job and career until later. And once married, they wish to stay married.

The divorce rate among Russian women and American men is far lower than that among American women and American men. Even so, no one can promise that you will meet the bride of your dreams by using the services of Lovers Planet.

But many other men already have.

Guarded Optimism for Cubs

After the Cubs 10-1 victory over the Mets last night, we've adopted a policy of guarded optimism. Zambrano looked good over the course of eight innings, giving up only one run, allowing six hits, and striking out three.

Zambrano did all this while changing his delivery. He had been delivering in a way that allowed opposing batters to see his grip on the ball, thereby knowing what the pitch would be. Knowing the pitch in advance allows a hitter to quickly raise his batting average, and most pitching coaches deplore the practise of early revelation.

Aramis Ramirez led the offensive frenzy for the Cubs, hitting a grand slam home run in the sixth inning.

As a result of these heroics, we are now guardedly optimistic about the Cubs, which means we think the North Side boys will not finish last in the Central Division.

We wouldn't want to say more than that. If we did say more than that, the Cubs would be sure to finish last in their division. We dare not mess with this superstition.

Where Are the Cubs?

The Cubs are playing in New York. I'm not in New York.

I want to watch the game on TV. The game isn't on TV.

I can watch basketball, a spelling bee, and much more than I ever wanted to know about the late J. Falwell.

This is unjust. It's wrong, mean, and immoral. Nothing is more important now than watching my favorite baseball team lose another game, and all I get is basketball, a spelling bee, and a television preacher.

What happened to truth, justice, and the American way? What happened to separation of church and baseball? What happened to the Cubs?

A Gift Refused

It ain’t funny anymore. The Mets tried in every way to give the game to the Cubs, but our North Side guys wouldn’t accept it.

My favorite part came when two New York players whose names I forgot both fell down in right field, and neither had caught the ball. The Cubs managed to score.

But in the fifth inning, Mets pitcher Tom Glavine filled the bases with three straight walks, and the Cubs wouldn’t accept the freebie.

I don’t want to think about the last walk of the game.

It ain’t funny anymore.

Cubs Versus Mets

As we approach the game on Monday, let’s try to ignore the fact that the Mets have a win-loss record over 150 points better than that of the Cubs. Look on the bright side. The Mets don’t have Roger Clemens in the bullpen, cooling his heels at a million dollars an hour.

Things could be a lot worse. The great Chicago fire was worse. Al Capone was worse, until you got thirsty. Then he didn’t seem so bad, unless you were Dion O’Bannion.

See. Look on the bright side, if there is one. The Cubs might win. I might get an income tax refund larger than what Clemens makes while tying his shoes. Not likely, but maybe someone at the IRS will make a mistake.

Look on the bright side.

Not Much of a Team

Let's not get carried away. Philadelphia doesn't really have much of a team, does it? It's 7 games out of first place in the Eastern Division, and the Cubs are 7 games out in the Central Division. Both teams have season records below .500.

These aren't the kinds of teams that get embossed invitations to the playoffs.

Glad that Ted Lilly got the win. Sorry that Derrek Lee had neck spasms.

I have spasms too. Have them every time the Cubs trot onto the field. They give me whole-body spasms. Nothing helps but beer. Lots of it.

So we lose two and win one from the Phillies. Now it's on to New York and the Mets.

Hope the Mets have spasms.

Sunday, 3 PM

It's Sunday in Philadelphia. A ballgame may be taking place.

It's only a game. It's only a game. It's only, etc.

Good News from Rothschild and Piniella

The Cubs lost to Philadelphia on Saturday, May 12, 2007. This was the third defeat in what figures to be a long losing streak.

Before we all meet at the corner of Clark and Addison to share a tub of rat poison, Larry Rothschild, pitching coach, and Lou Piniella, manager, want to give us some good news.

Carlos Zambrano’s right arm didn’t really fall off.

It seems that Zambrano had some trouble with his “mechanics.” Before each pitch, the ace right-hander grasped the ball appropriately for the pitch requested by catcher Barrett or catcher Blanco, depending on which one came to the game.

Then Zambrano held the ball high above his head before going into his windup.

This allowed opposing batters to see what pitch to expect, which gave them a better chance of getting a hit, provided they knew how pitchers hold the ball for each kind of pitch, i.e., fast ball, curve ball, slider, stripper, etc.

Both Rothschild and Piniella told Zambrano not to hold the ball high over his head before going into his windup, although they didn’t say where they did tell him to hold it.

Just to be on the safe side, Piniella also told both catchers not to write the kinds of pitches on a chalk board and hold it up for Zambrano to read.

Bring your own spoons to Clark and Addison. I can’t do everything for you.

The Cubs on a Cold Day

The Cubs started well against the Phillies on Friday night, but my car started well last winter until the temperature dropped to 20 below.

Rich Hill had the Phils under control for the first three innings. Then Pat Burrell stepped to the plate, and Hill’s 1.73 ERA headed skyward with baseball. By the end of the game, that ERA had reached 2.51, regardless of the temperature at Citizens Bank Park.

With a ballpark named after a bank, the citizens of Philadelphia may want to check their account balances. Base runners like to steal.

The Phillies can’t assume Burrell will hit two homeruns every game, although he may come close when facing the Cubs. This reminds me of my favorite baseball superstition. When discussing the Chicago Cubs, never say or write anything optimistic.

The Cubbies meet the Phils again Saturday night. I can’t remember the name of the park.

Superstition in the Dugout

Why do carp like worms? Why did it take four hours and thirty-nine minutes for the Cubs to lose to the Pirates? Why are baseball players, managers, and fans so superstitious?

I can’t pretend to make sure answers about any of these questions, but it’s now safe to talk about the real issue. The Cubs had a five-game winning streak going into its May 11 game with Pittsburg. By the end of the game, the Cubs had a no-game winning streak.

Why does no one talk about a winning streak until it’s over? Because it brings bad luck to talk about it. That’s why.

Consider a more dramatic example from baseball’s barrel of superstitions. The Cub pitcher is throwing a no-hitter against the drunken Brewers.

By the end of the fifth inning, everyone in the park who’s still alive knows what’s going on. What do the guys in the dugout discuss between innings? Baseball statistics? The standard 103-mile-per-hour fastball the pitcher is throwing?

Not a chance. They may talk about the price of corn, the trouble an incumbent president has caused, or the fact that their respective wives have left them.

But they don’t say a word about the no-hitter the stranger on the mound is throwing. They don’t say a thing about him or to him. Why not? Because that would jinx the whole thing. That’s why not.

Only an idiot fresh off the boat from Ellis Island would make such a blunder.

And they don’t make idiots like that anymore.

The Crucial Importance of May

At the end of hostilities on Wednesday, May 9, the Chicago Cubs sat insecurely in second place in the Central Division. The Brewers of Milwaukee had rolled out the barrel to leave our hapless tee drinkers 6.5 games out of first place, with a heroic Cubbie win-loss percentage of .516.

The Cubs’ hold on second place was tenuous at best, with Houston just a game behind our North Side bear brats. (Why is there a major-league baseball team in Houston? Who approved this departure from sane thinking?)

But if we apply clear reasoning to the entire National League, we find the Cubbies in deep manure decades after the stockyards slid into Lake Mich.

With its .516 record, the little bears trail, not just Milwaukee, but also Atlanta, New York, Los Angeles, San Diego, and Arizona. (I know these last three hick towns don’t deserve major league teams, but the fact is that they have better win-loss records at this crucial moment. Don’t ask what’s so crucial about it. I don’t know. May has some sort of Druidic importance to someone.)

To return to the essential fact mentioned in an earlier paragraph, the Cubbies appear to be in deep manure.

The Chicago Cubs 2

Cub fans will continue to fill Wrigley Field because they’re crazy. And since I’m a Cubs fan, I’m just as crazy as all the others. What else could explain why we pay a hefty fee to watch a team that hasn’t won a pennant since the Battle of the Somme?

And in the year 2007, a new question has sprouted in the spring. Rumors fill the bleachers. Will the Tribune Company sell the Cubs? To whom? For how much? Why? Don’t ask me. I hardly ever try to predict the future.

The Chicago Cubs 1

Spring comes to the Middle West, and all thoughts turn to life’s great unanswerable questions. Will the Chicago Cubs finish above .500? Will they catch the Milwaukee Brewers? Will they start well and then, like the daylilies, fade in the autumn? And most mysterious of all, why will Cub fans continue to fill Wrigley Field every game, regardless of how well the team plays?

I hesitate to predict the future, and I would never try to answer most of these questions. But I know a sure thing when I see it. Here goes. (TBC)

New Zealand 2

The two islands of New Zealand occupy about 103,000 square miles, but the city of Chicago sits on 234 square miles. One doesn’t need a degree in statistics to see that Chicago resembles a cattle yard compared with New Zealand.

Auckland is the largest city in New Zealand. If you count the population of Auckland and its suburbs, you’ll reach a figure slightly more than a million. And almost all those people live in single-family houses.

I didn’t get out my yardstick and measure the square miles of Auckland and its suburbs, but I saw the entire area from both the ground and the air, and it’s larger than Chicago.

On the other hand, although Chicago may be more crowded than Auckland, it has one major advantage. My hometown has two major-league baseball teams. Auckland has none.