Central Division Losers

I've lost track of the number of weeks, but for quite a while now both the Cubs and the Brewers have hovered around first place in the NL Central Division by equaling each other at the task of losing games. They did it again Friday.

The Cubs looked downright bad in their loss to the Pirates, but never mind. Cincinnati pounded the Brewers 11-4.

But wait. What about the St. Louis Cardinals?

The Cards have been inching upwards for about a century, and today they could have moved into a tie for first. What did they do? They lost to Arizona.

Losing to Arizona is like losing to a sandstorm. You lose because of low visibility. Arizona doesn't even deserve a major league baseball team. The only thing Arizona can do is keep St. Louis hovering around first place.

Guarded Optimism for Cubs

After the Cubs 10-1 victory over the Mets last night, we've adopted a policy of guarded optimism. Zambrano looked good over the course of eight innings, giving up only one run, allowing six hits, and striking out three.

Zambrano did all this while changing his delivery. He had been delivering in a way that allowed opposing batters to see his grip on the ball, thereby knowing what the pitch would be. Knowing the pitch in advance allows a hitter to quickly raise his batting average, and most pitching coaches deplore the practise of early revelation.

Aramis Ramirez led the offensive frenzy for the Cubs, hitting a grand slam home run in the sixth inning.

As a result of these heroics, we are now guardedly optimistic about the Cubs, which means we think the North Side boys will not finish last in the Central Division.

We wouldn't want to say more than that. If we did say more than that, the Cubs would be sure to finish last in their division. We dare not mess with this superstition.

The Crucial Importance of May

At the end of hostilities on Wednesday, May 9, the Chicago Cubs sat insecurely in second place in the Central Division. The Brewers of Milwaukee had rolled out the barrel to leave our hapless tee drinkers 6.5 games out of first place, with a heroic Cubbie win-loss percentage of .516.

The Cubs’ hold on second place was tenuous at best, with Houston just a game behind our North Side bear brats. (Why is there a major-league baseball team in Houston? Who approved this departure from sane thinking?)

But if we apply clear reasoning to the entire National League, we find the Cubbies in deep manure decades after the stockyards slid into Lake Mich.

With its .516 record, the little bears trail, not just Milwaukee, but also Atlanta, New York, Los Angeles, San Diego, and Arizona. (I know these last three hick towns don’t deserve major league teams, but the fact is that they have better win-loss records at this crucial moment. Don’t ask what’s so crucial about it. I don’t know. May has some sort of Druidic importance to someone.)

To return to the essential fact mentioned in an earlier paragraph, the Cubbies appear to be in deep manure.