Movies

This weblog takes a sympathetic look at American movies. We like mysteries, drama, humor, and documentary. We take a dimly lit view of “adult movies,” this designation being little more than a codeword for porn. We need good children’s movies, but rarely get them.

In the mystery genre, we haven’t seen a good film since Chinatown. Humor has suffered since Mel Brooks retired. The drama category has produced the first great American movie of the twenty-first century: Good Night, and Good Luck.

We may not get that lucky again for half a century.

Sleep Apnea

A friend of mine may or may not have sleep apnea. His wife says he does. He says he doesn’t. His wife is in a better position to render this diagnosis, since this problem, if it exists, occurs when my friend is asleep. I don’t intend to take part in this debate, but if the couple finally reaches an agreement, I could provide some information.

A person who has sleep apnea falls asleep for 10 to 30 seconds at a time while sleeping. These incidents may occur as much as 400 times a night. This condition is potentially dangerous, and anyone who suffers from it should seek the attention of a doctor. If the doctor finds that there is sufficient danger, he or she may arrange for a sleep study. If this study finds that the disorder exists, the doctor may prescribe a cpap device.

At this point CPAP Wholesale can be of assistance. CPAP stands for continuous positive airway pressure. When used as directed, a CPAP device lets a person breathe normally while sleeping, thereby relieving the symptoms and potential dangers of sleep apnea.

An individual cannot simply order a CPAP device. You must first obtain a doctor’s prescription. After that, you can contact CPAP Wholesale for help in obtaining the prescribed device. If you have any questions, the staff will be happy to assist you. Simply call 757-788-8073.

Sleep well, friends. Sweet dreams.

Music Videos

All of us have seen and heard music videos on television, but how many of us have found ourselves featured in such a production? Not me. But now it’s actually possible to create a music slideshow with the help of fliptrack.com. All you need is a computer with an internet connection, and you can star in your own music video.

The whole process is really quite simple. Fliptrack.com explains each step required to create a music slideshow. You don’t need a television studio. You provide only the photographs, and Fliptrack provides everything else you need to star in your own production.

After you create a music slideshow, you can then share it with your friends by e-mailing them or by putting it into your own blog. In either case, you’re the star. But let me give you one last piece of advice. Don’t quit your day job.

Murder One

Three of my short mysteries feature Michael Scofield, my private detective. “Chips” raises the number of Scofield stories to four. Scofield lives and works in the Quad Cities, which sit on the banks of the Mississippi River in Iowa and Illinois. These cities contain a total population of about 350,000 people, many of whom show little respect for law and order. Scofield usually goes where the money leads him, but in “Chips” the murder of a childhood friend motivates him more than money. I give the reader every clue that Scofield finds, but not one reader in a hundred will solve this mystery before my favorite private eye.

You can read this short mystery at Chips.

Murder Two

“The Plot” features 23-year-old amateur detective Teri Benda. Teri works as an assistant editor for a mystery magazine. This job, for all its merits, doesn't fulfill Teri's compulsion to investigate real-life crimes, a practice that frightens her mother and irritates Detective Lieutenant David Malatek. While at work one day, Teri is reading a mystery story submitted by a would-be writer named Mullen. Mullen displays none of the literary skill required by magazine editors, but Teri finds one page in the story that appears to have been included by mistake. The page reveals a murder plot that is either the plot for a story or the plot for a real murder. Despite the fears of her mother and the advice of her boss, Teri sets out to discover whether the plot is fact or fiction. This leads directly to the body of a man who didn't die of natural causes. Will Teri let the police handle it? Not likely.

Read this story mystery at The Plot.

Invest Wisely

I have often wondered where to invest my meager savings. What is the safest place to put my small pile of dough? Treasury bonds? Certificates of deposit? Blue-chip stocks. Lottery tickets? Even I know enough not to throw my money away by gambling. But where should I invest? Perhaps there's more than just one type of safe investment. What about bullion?

If you should want to invest in bullion, the Monex Deposit Company can provide safe delivery and competitive prices. Monex has both a dedicated staff and over thirty years of experience in the precious metals business. The firm provides secure delivery to individuals or to independent banks or depositories, whichever the buyer prefers.

Although I wouldn’t recommend that anyone should invest all of his or her savings in gold or silver, one might find good reason to invest a portion of those savings in bullion. At the present moment, silver is especially attractive. Around the world, the annual production of silver cannot meet the yearly demand. After selling off most of its stockpile of silver, the United States is now buying this precious metal, which makes silver look like an especially good purchase for individual investors at this moment.

From the time of the ancient Egyptians to the present, people have sought to protect their wealth by investing in gold. Gold still provides a way to diversify one’s investment portfolio, protect wealth, and preserve purchasing power.

For those individuals who wish to invest in gold and/or silver, Monex can provide the same combination of safe delivery and competitive prices that it has provided for over thirty years.

Trouble in the South Pacific

I’m presently touring the island nations of the South Pacific. I’m paying for this fact-finding mission with a grant funded by the U.S. Department of State. Like all such grants, I received this one by bribing a member of Congress.

My tour has brought me to the island nation of New Zealand, where the major impediment to a just society is the overpopulation of sheep. Sheep outnumber humans by 567 trillion to 4 million. The Sheep Party controls Parliament, and therefore all branches of government.

Parliament has passed laws banning cows and hogs from both the North Island and the South Island. Air New Zealand is presently flying non-stop between New Zealand and Australia, carrying overbooked loads of cattle and hogs to new homes in Australia.

Sheep now clog the roads with their cars and pickups. Their favorite pickup is the Dodge Ram. Sheep have bought up all available housing. The kitchens, parlors, and beds are full of sheep. Sheep demand and get the best seats at restaurants, theaters, and concerts.

No one yet knows how to end the gross injustice brought on the people and livestock of the island nation of New Zealand.

Come to the Caribbean

Have you ever been to the Caribbean? Neither have I, but I’d like to go. I imagine palm trees, white beaches, and perfectly clear water. I’ll go there someday.

But maybe someday should be right now. Why not do it and stop imagining it? Maybe it’s time to logon to Vacations.net. It’s time to find an All Inclusive Resort In The Caribbean.

Vacations.net has redesigned its website to offer up-scale resort vacations at discount rates. The site provides an intuitive booking engine, thorough content, and compelling images. And best of all, the site is easy to use.

A trip to Vacations.net provides virtual tours, detailed information about accommodations, and everything you need to know about all-inclusive resort vacations in places such as Jamaica, Mexico, and the Dominican Republic.

For reservations and all the info you need, visit www.vacations.net, or call 1-888-205-3315. I'll see you in the Caribbean.

D.O.A.

Many fans believe that D.O.A. is the greatest film noir movie ever made. Frank Bigelow has left his small-town home and business for a vacation in the city. Frank is contemplating marriage and wants some time away from his girl friend to think things over.

Shortly after his arrival in the city, Frank falls ill. A visit to the doctor reveals that someone has poisoned Frank with iridium. (There is no poison called "iridium," but don't let that spoil the movie for you.) No antidote exists and Frank has only a short time to live.

In the days that Frank has left, he sets out to find his killer.

Big Trouble in Deepwater

Have you ever served as the secretary of a local group or organization? If you have, you will recall the painful effort required to write down everything that was said or done. Forget all that now and come with me to the town of Deepwater, Iowa. (There is no deep water in Iowa.) Read the minutes kept by the secretaries of five groups, starting with the Deepwater Skywatch Support Group as it deals with issues such as space aliens in a silo and the expensive obstacles involved in the creation of an alien-abduction hall of fame. You can purchase this comic masterpiece for only 49 cents. Clink on this link and get ready to laugh: Minutes.

Delta Chelsea

Delta Hotels can be found in over 40 Canadian cities, including locations in Toronto, British Columbia, and Alberta. The Delta Chelsea is located in downtown Toronto, close to theaters, tourist attractions, and the financial district. Because of its location, both business travellers and families find the Delta Chelsea to be one of the most attractive toronto hotels.

Among its many attractions, the Delta Chelsea offers an indoor waterslide, a day-care center, a rooftop pool, and a health club. The health club features lifecycles, liferowers, treadmills, and much more fitness equipment.

Whether you are a business traveller or a parent intent on a vacation for the family, the Delta Chelsea will meet all your needs during your stay in Toronto.

News from the South Pacific

On the islands of the South Pacific, water goes down the drain in a counterclockwise whirl, causing all the plumbing to explode.

The sun rises in the west and sets in the east, making it impossible to navigate a ship by means of an astrolabe. This causes ship captains to lose their way and crash into the coast of Australia.

Military tyrants dissolve parliaments and arrest presidents because they were “causing trouble.”

When I get drunk and get lost in the night, I can’t find my way by means of the North Star. This causes me to crash into the coast of Australia.

The sun crosses the sky in the wrong place, which makes it impossible to tell north from south. Citizens on the islands of the South Pacific think they’re heading north until they drive off the bluffs, fall into the ocean, and crash into the coast, etc.

McNaught’s Comet recently crossed the South Pacific and fell into Melbourne, Australia, where it horrified all the kangaroos in parliament.

Kangaroos have recently become pests on the islands of the South Pacific. No one knows where they came from, but they arrived from the west, wet and tired.

Opossums have become a menace to literature in the South Pacific, where they climb down chimneys and eat all the hard-boiled detective fiction.

Hedgehogs have begun breaking into movie vaults and poking holes in the film noir.

Following the next eclipse of the moon, all the islands will slip beneath the waters of the South Pacific.

Patrick is in seclusion somewhere in the South Pacific.

The Trouble With Humor

I’m from the Middle West, where I and my fellow taxpayers use a common form of humor. This humor combines exaggeration, irony, and self-denigration. The trouble with all this is that people from outside the Middle West don’t always get the joke.
Many years ago I met a nice fellow from somewhere in the eastern part of the United States. At one point he told me that he was a poet. “A poet,” I said. “I have to tell you that I can’t tell iambic pentameter from a row of beans.”
“Don’t derogate yourself,” he said with the kindness of a saint. “You can learn whatever you want.”
This baffled me. I didn’t know what to say. You can’t tell a guy that he missed the joke. That would be insulting. I realized that it didn’t matter if he understood that “beans” meant “soybeans.” I could’ve said “corn,” but it was already too late. I also saw that it would be pointless to show him one of my sonnets.
While still a lad and all the world was in birth, I fell in love with a girl named Mary. She came from South America. Her black hair, brown eyes, and numerous other bodily improvements hit me like a gravel truck. She was a girl, I was a boy, and the summer fields of Iowa rose and fell with the feminine attributes Grant Wood made famous.
The girl went off to visit someone somewhere beyond the Poconos. When she returned, I rushed to her side. “We need to talk,” she said. The “need to talk” has spoiled far too many of my summers.
“Why?” I said.
“I don’t love you the way I did before.”
“Why not?”
Mary, who was growing tired of my questions, produced an answer. “You’re too critical of yourself. You don’t have enough self-respect.” (These events occurred prior to the popularity of the term “self-esteem.”)
The need to talk ended. I could’ve told Mary she was a humorless moron, but that wouldn’t have made her think any better of me. Someone later told me that Mary had got married and divorced. Events happen quickly. I assume that the need to talk arose.
I’m presently visiting the country of New Zealand, where the people are friendly and polite. I’ve met many of these people, and I interject humor into every conversation. Sometimes the victim laughs. Others may smile. The Iranian barber at a nearby town always laughs at my jokes, and I laugh at his. “You should charge a dollar per eyebrow,” I said.
“Next time,” he said. “Next time.”
I’m staying with my friend Joyce, who owns a house in New Zealand. Joyce is from Iowa. A opossum came down one of her two chimneys and made a mess. This offended me so much that I climbed onto the roof of the house and put some chicken wire over the appropriate chimney. The opossum hasn’t come back.
I made far too many comedic gestures during this heroic chimney work. Joyce laughed, but not until I returned to earth.
I hope Joyce doesn’t tell me I lack self-respect. I hope she doesn’t say we need to talk. You never know what’s going to come down the chimney.