Hotels in Orlando

The whole family enjoys a vacation in Orlando, Florida. In Orlando you can find six popular theme parks, such as Sea World, Universal Studios, and Walt Disney World.

But there's even more than that: up-scale shopping, grand hotels, cultural attractions, and a great deal more to see and do.

Your visit to Orlando will go much easier if you check out the hotels in orlando before you leave home.

That's where Orlando.com can help. Orlando.com offers the lowest prices on a wide variety of hotels.

In addition, Orlando.com provides the best deals on car rentals and airline flights in the Orlando area.

Do yourself a favor, make your hotel and travel arrangements through Orlando.com.

Then relax and enjoy your vacation.

Cubs Pitching Rotation

We know two things about tonight's game between the Cubs and Padres at San Diego. Rich Hill will be the starting pitcher for the Cubs, and I'm unlikely to stay awake for the entire game, which starts at 9:05 CT.

The thing we don't know is what the pitching rotation will be after tonight's game. We don't know because Lou Piniella, Cubs manager, isn't ready to tell us.

For those of you not conversant with baseball lingo, "pitching rotation" has nothing to do with a pitcher who spins around like a figure skater, thereby drilling a hole for himself in the pitcher's mound.

But let's go back to an earlier time.

In the early days of baseball, managers didn't send in relief pitchers as quickly as they do now. They began with the assumption that the starter would pitch the whole game.

In those days, pitchers did spin around like figure skaters when the opposing batters started hitting their pitches into the hog lot beyond center field. They literally dug holes in which they could hide until everyone else forgot about them and went home.

That practice is long forgotten, but it's the true origin of the term "pitching rotation."

No Game Today

How can I waste my time on a day when the Cubs are off somewhere filing their spikes?

I could watch another game with other teams, but I don't care about other teams.

I could turn on the TV and see what else is on, but television is still a vast wasteland.

I could walk down to the lake and walk in the water, but Lake Michigan's sharks are plentiful this year.

I could watch a movie, but they're all terrible.

I could take a nap.

Goodnight.

Rain Delay

Someone said that after a rain delay, the Sox won the game 10-6.

The Cubs could have used a downpour from noon to midnight. Could've used an earthquake.

It's only a game.

Cubs Versus Sox, Game Three

I can't stand to watch any more of this. The players have to stay and watch, but they get paid for it and I don't.

The Sox did everything they could to help the Cubs in the bottom of the sixth. With two out, Alfonso Soriano hit a triple to the sweet spot in far right field.

A White Sox pitching change brought Andrew Sisco to the mound. He then contributed two wild pitches and a walk before the White Sox CEO replaced him with Mike MacDougal.

MacDougal apparently likes to pitch, which he proceeded to do so. He induced Michael Barrett to ground out, ending the inning.

For all that effort, the Cubs scored one run. The score: Sox 3, Cubs 2. The Cubs were still in the game.

Or so it seemed.

In the top of the seventh, Carlos Zambrano got tired and forgot how to pitch.

The Cubs Board of Directors called on Neal Cotts to replace Zambrano, and A. J. Pierzynski promptly hit a grand slam.

That's when I clicked the button on WGN. I later turned it back on briefly, and learned that the Cubs had scored four more runs in the eighth.

Not good enough. I can't stand to watch the last inning.

Interleague Finale

Going into Sunday's interleague finale with the White Sox, let's try to keep things in perspective. We're only talking about the White Sox, not a powerhouse like Tampa Bay.

Consider these statistics. The Sox are 4.5 games out of first place. The Cub are 5 games out.

The White Sox have a win-loss record of .513. The Cubs have a record of .488.

The Sox have a losing streak of two. The Cubs have a winning streak of two.

So the two teams have much in common. Both are doing better than Tampa Bay, but not as well as Boston. On any given day, the White Sox are just as likely as the Cubs to play a pee-poor game.

In other words, the Sox are just as bad as the Cubs. So why worry about Sunday's game? Smile. Be happy.

Wake up and smell the ivy.

Play by Play

After six innings, it's Cubs 5, White Sox 5.

Stay tuned.

Nice double play by the Cubs in the top of the seventh.

Stay tuned.

After seven innings at Wrigley Field, it's still Cubs 5, White Sox 5.

Stay tuned.

How can Konerko, who's hitting .193, manage to hit a home run? He's playing against the Cubs. That's how. Top of the eighth, White Sox lead 6-5.

Stay tuned.

Holy shit. Pinch hitter Derek Lee hits a grand slam in the bottom of the eighth. The Cubs score six runs and now lead 11-6. I hope his neck feels better. Mine does.

Stay tuned.

Carlos Marmol pitches for the Cubs, top of the ninth. Three up, three down. Cubs win.

Log out and have a beer.

Give Credit to the Cubbies

The Cubs looked good with the win against the Chicago White Sox today. Let's give credit where credit is due. The Cubs don't often give us the chance.

Barrett hit the ball instead of Pierzynski. Angel Pagan fouled up while running the bases, but hit a crucial triple in the seventh inning. Ted Lilly pitched a good game. And Ryan Dempster looked like a perfect machine as he closed the ninth.

Great job, guys. Give us something to cheer about tomorrow.

The Boys of Winter

How could a professional baseball team go into the ninth inning with a 5-1 lead and give the game away? Only the Cubs could do what they did against the New York Mets this afternoon.

It doesn't matter who the closer was. Any Cub pitcher would have performed in exactly the same way.

The Chicago Cubs are The Boys of Winter.

The Cubs lose and keep on losing. They lose regardless of how good the players are, how good the coaches and manager are, and how good Wrigley Field looks when the whole sky is as blue as it ever will be.

And what about the rest of us chumps, the fans? Why do we curse the hapless Cubs every night and get off the El at Addison Street the next afternoon?

It has something to do with Chicago. It's hot as hell in the summer and cold as hell in the winter. The politicians have always been corrupt and always will be. We learn how to think as children, and we all think alike.

Our criminals are the worst in the history of the world. Our streets and expressways stink worse than the stockyards ever did. We're demolishing the most beautiful buildings in America and replacing them with the ugliest.

What other baseball team could represent Chicago better than the Cubs? None. The Cubs are the worst possible because we wanted the worst we could get, and we got them.

See you tomorrow afternoon when the trouble starts again.

The Cubs Need More Rain

Rain delayed the start of the Cubs-Mets game Wednesday night at Shea Stadium.

For the Cubs, it would have been better if the rain hadn't stopped.

Cubs manager Lou Piniella sought an explanation for the Cubbies 8-1 loss and found it in the pitching of Rich Hill.

Having solved Carlos Zambrano's pitching troubles (the now-famous early revelation problem), Piniella must next solve Hill's troubles. If Piniella fails, Hill may get rained out permanently.

Hill's problems lie in the fact that he's walking batters and then letting them steal on him. These troubles may be more difficult to solve than Zambrano's early revelations.

It's now 3:25 PM, Thursday, in Chicago, and the Cubs just lost to the Mets by one run.

Bring on the rain.

Gourmet Gift Baskets

I sometimes tell my children that I don't need anything for Father's Day, but I don't really mean it and they know that. And they always manage to find something for me.

When children grow up, they often move away in search of jobs and careers. It isn't always easy to find a gift for someone who still lives back home. Or maybe your dad lives just across town. That doesn't make it any more convenient to find time to shop for an appropriate gift. That's where Gourmet Gift Baskets can help you find Fathers Day Gifts.

Dad has always been there to remember your birthday and other special occasions. Now it's your turn to do something for him. Because you can shop online at Gourmet Gift Baskets, you won't have to spend time going from store to store.

Consider the options at Gourmet Gift Baskets. You can find a Father's Day basket with chocolates, nuts, wines, cheeses, and fruits. Or take a look at the Grilling Gift Baskets for the backyard Bar-B-Q expert. Is your dad crazy about golf? Consider the Golf Gift Baskets.

Check out the baskets shown online. If you don't find exactly what you want for Dad, call Gourmet Gift Baskets at its toll-free number, and a friendly member of the staff will assemble the exact gift basket you want for your dad.

For my part, I wouldn't mind that basket with chocolates, nuts, wines, cheeses, and fruits.

Download a DVD

Sick to death about what you'll do the next time the Cubs are off for the day. Why not download a DVD and try to forget your troubles. New Moon now provides an easy way for you to obtain the movie you need. Simply go to the right sidebar and find the box labeled “DVD-Quality Downloads.” Click on the button and see what’s there. DVD-quality downloads for hundreds of movies await you. You can shop by category, by genre, or by movie studio. If you prefer a TV show instead of a movie, look at anything from A&E to VH1. Shop by channel or by genre. The prices vary, depending on what you choose. Why wait? See what you want, and see it now.

Guarded Optimism for Cubs

After the Cubs 10-1 victory over the Mets last night, we've adopted a policy of guarded optimism. Zambrano looked good over the course of eight innings, giving up only one run, allowing six hits, and striking out three.

Zambrano did all this while changing his delivery. He had been delivering in a way that allowed opposing batters to see his grip on the ball, thereby knowing what the pitch would be. Knowing the pitch in advance allows a hitter to quickly raise his batting average, and most pitching coaches deplore the practise of early revelation.

Aramis Ramirez led the offensive frenzy for the Cubs, hitting a grand slam home run in the sixth inning.

As a result of these heroics, we are now guardedly optimistic about the Cubs, which means we think the North Side boys will not finish last in the Central Division.

We wouldn't want to say more than that. If we did say more than that, the Cubs would be sure to finish last in their division. We dare not mess with this superstition.

A.E. Feldman Associates, Inc.

When your business needs to fill an important position, you're faced with one of the most difficult management decisions you'll ever have to make. If you hire someone who is not suited for the job, this will lower the productivity of everyone who works with that person. Even if you find a way to remove that employee from a position of importance, it can take months to repair the damage.

Before initiating your own search you might want to consult A.E. Feldman Associates, Inc. AEF has been finding the right person for the right job since 1967.

The recruiters at AEF have all completed successful careers in the fields for which they now find new employees for new jobs. These fields include legal and legal support services, communications and technology, risk management jobs, and others. AEF finds the right candidates for these jobs nationwide.

AEF can point to a long history of discrete recruiting and successful job placement. Its recruiters have the experience to make the best matches possible.

Where Are the Cubs?

The Cubs are playing in New York. I'm not in New York.

I want to watch the game on TV. The game isn't on TV.

I can watch basketball, a spelling bee, and much more than I ever wanted to know about the late J. Falwell.

This is unjust. It's wrong, mean, and immoral. Nothing is more important now than watching my favorite baseball team lose another game, and all I get is basketball, a spelling bee, and a television preacher.

What happened to truth, justice, and the American way? What happened to separation of church and baseball? What happened to the Cubs?

A Gift Refused

It ain’t funny anymore. The Mets tried in every way to give the game to the Cubs, but our North Side guys wouldn’t accept it.

My favorite part came when two New York players whose names I forgot both fell down in right field, and neither had caught the ball. The Cubs managed to score.

But in the fifth inning, Mets pitcher Tom Glavine filled the bases with three straight walks, and the Cubs wouldn’t accept the freebie.

I don’t want to think about the last walk of the game.

It ain’t funny anymore.

Cubs Versus Mets

As we approach the game on Monday, let’s try to ignore the fact that the Mets have a win-loss record over 150 points better than that of the Cubs. Look on the bright side. The Mets don’t have Roger Clemens in the bullpen, cooling his heels at a million dollars an hour.

Things could be a lot worse. The great Chicago fire was worse. Al Capone was worse, until you got thirsty. Then he didn’t seem so bad, unless you were Dion O’Bannion.

See. Look on the bright side, if there is one. The Cubs might win. I might get an income tax refund larger than what Clemens makes while tying his shoes. Not likely, but maybe someone at the IRS will make a mistake.

Look on the bright side.

Not Much of a Team

Let's not get carried away. Philadelphia doesn't really have much of a team, does it? It's 7 games out of first place in the Eastern Division, and the Cubs are 7 games out in the Central Division. Both teams have season records below .500.

These aren't the kinds of teams that get embossed invitations to the playoffs.

Glad that Ted Lilly got the win. Sorry that Derrek Lee had neck spasms.

I have spasms too. Have them every time the Cubs trot onto the field. They give me whole-body spasms. Nothing helps but beer. Lots of it.

So we lose two and win one from the Phillies. Now it's on to New York and the Mets.

Hope the Mets have spasms.

Sunday, 3 PM

It's Sunday in Philadelphia. A ballgame may be taking place.

It's only a game. It's only a game. It's only, etc.

Good News from Rothschild and Piniella

The Cubs lost to Philadelphia on Saturday, May 12, 2007. This was the third defeat in what figures to be a long losing streak.

Before we all meet at the corner of Clark and Addison to share a tub of rat poison, Larry Rothschild, pitching coach, and Lou Piniella, manager, want to give us some good news.

Carlos Zambrano’s right arm didn’t really fall off.

It seems that Zambrano had some trouble with his “mechanics.” Before each pitch, the ace right-hander grasped the ball appropriately for the pitch requested by catcher Barrett or catcher Blanco, depending on which one came to the game.

Then Zambrano held the ball high above his head before going into his windup.

This allowed opposing batters to see what pitch to expect, which gave them a better chance of getting a hit, provided they knew how pitchers hold the ball for each kind of pitch, i.e., fast ball, curve ball, slider, stripper, etc.

Both Rothschild and Piniella told Zambrano not to hold the ball high over his head before going into his windup, although they didn’t say where they did tell him to hold it.

Just to be on the safe side, Piniella also told both catchers not to write the kinds of pitches on a chalk board and hold it up for Zambrano to read.

Bring your own spoons to Clark and Addison. I can’t do everything for you.

The Cubs on a Cold Day

The Cubs started well against the Phillies on Friday night, but my car started well last winter until the temperature dropped to 20 below.

Rich Hill had the Phils under control for the first three innings. Then Pat Burrell stepped to the plate, and Hill’s 1.73 ERA headed skyward with baseball. By the end of the game, that ERA had reached 2.51, regardless of the temperature at Citizens Bank Park.

With a ballpark named after a bank, the citizens of Philadelphia may want to check their account balances. Base runners like to steal.

The Phillies can’t assume Burrell will hit two homeruns every game, although he may come close when facing the Cubs. This reminds me of my favorite baseball superstition. When discussing the Chicago Cubs, never say or write anything optimistic.

The Cubbies meet the Phils again Saturday night. I can’t remember the name of the park.

Superstition in the Dugout

Why do carp like worms? Why did it take four hours and thirty-nine minutes for the Cubs to lose to the Pirates? Why are baseball players, managers, and fans so superstitious?

I can’t pretend to make sure answers about any of these questions, but it’s now safe to talk about the real issue. The Cubs had a five-game winning streak going into its May 11 game with Pittsburg. By the end of the game, the Cubs had a no-game winning streak.

Why does no one talk about a winning streak until it’s over? Because it brings bad luck to talk about it. That’s why.

Consider a more dramatic example from baseball’s barrel of superstitions. The Cub pitcher is throwing a no-hitter against the drunken Brewers.

By the end of the fifth inning, everyone in the park who’s still alive knows what’s going on. What do the guys in the dugout discuss between innings? Baseball statistics? The standard 103-mile-per-hour fastball the pitcher is throwing?

Not a chance. They may talk about the price of corn, the trouble an incumbent president has caused, or the fact that their respective wives have left them.

But they don’t say a word about the no-hitter the stranger on the mound is throwing. They don’t say a thing about him or to him. Why not? Because that would jinx the whole thing. That’s why not.

Only an idiot fresh off the boat from Ellis Island would make such a blunder.

And they don’t make idiots like that anymore.

The Crucial Importance of May

At the end of hostilities on Wednesday, May 9, the Chicago Cubs sat insecurely in second place in the Central Division. The Brewers of Milwaukee had rolled out the barrel to leave our hapless tee drinkers 6.5 games out of first place, with a heroic Cubbie win-loss percentage of .516.

The Cubs’ hold on second place was tenuous at best, with Houston just a game behind our North Side bear brats. (Why is there a major-league baseball team in Houston? Who approved this departure from sane thinking?)

But if we apply clear reasoning to the entire National League, we find the Cubbies in deep manure decades after the stockyards slid into Lake Mich.

With its .516 record, the little bears trail, not just Milwaukee, but also Atlanta, New York, Los Angeles, San Diego, and Arizona. (I know these last three hick towns don’t deserve major league teams, but the fact is that they have better win-loss records at this crucial moment. Don’t ask what’s so crucial about it. I don’t know. May has some sort of Druidic importance to someone.)

To return to the essential fact mentioned in an earlier paragraph, the Cubbies appear to be in deep manure.

Universal Studios

It’s sometimes difficult to plan a vacation that the whole family will enjoy. Mom and dad might like a trip to an historic site or a quiet rest on a Caribbean island.

Some kids would choose a theme park. Others might want to visit the spring-training camp of their favorite baseball team.

But everyone likes a good movie. That’s why you can’t go wrong with the whole family if you take along some Universal Studios Tickets for your next visit to Orlando. Everyone can see how the movies are made.

Because of the large number of tourist stops in Orlando, the visitor can find the numerous options for admission tickets far too confusing. One solution to this confusing situation is to go online and obtain your tickets from Orlandofuntickets.com. This firm offers the lowest prices for Universal Studios discount tickets.

Orlandofuntickets also offers the lowest discount prices for all theme parks and dinner shows. These popular attractions include Sea World, Disney World, and many others.Your visit to Orlando should be fun, not confusing. For the best ticket prices, logon to Orlandofuntickets.com.

The Chicago Cubs 2

Cub fans will continue to fill Wrigley Field because they’re crazy. And since I’m a Cubs fan, I’m just as crazy as all the others. What else could explain why we pay a hefty fee to watch a team that hasn’t won a pennant since the Battle of the Somme?

And in the year 2007, a new question has sprouted in the spring. Rumors fill the bleachers. Will the Tribune Company sell the Cubs? To whom? For how much? Why? Don’t ask me. I hardly ever try to predict the future.

The Chicago Cubs 1

Spring comes to the Middle West, and all thoughts turn to life’s great unanswerable questions. Will the Chicago Cubs finish above .500? Will they catch the Milwaukee Brewers? Will they start well and then, like the daylilies, fade in the autumn? And most mysterious of all, why will Cub fans continue to fill Wrigley Field every game, regardless of how well the team plays?

I hesitate to predict the future, and I would never try to answer most of these questions. But I know a sure thing when I see it. Here goes. (TBC)

Children and Dentists

Several years ago, a friend recommended a dentist who was especially good with children. From then until now, I’ve always taken my kids to that dentist. This dentist is kind and gentle in everything she does. As a result, my children never worry about their regular dental exams. And I don’t worry about mine, because I go to the same dentist. When it comes to my teeth, I’m still just a kid myself.

If I lived in or near Alexandria, Virginia, I would look for a dentist like the one my family has now, and I’d start looking at Hayfield Dental Care. Hayfield Dental Care has been open since 1987, and its dentists have treated over 23,000 patients since that date. All these dentists have received the advanced training needed to carry out almost any dental task required, without having to refer patients to another dental office.

The dentists at Hayfield Dental Care use only the newest and most advanced materials and equipment available. They provide general, family, and cosmetic dental care. A dentist who specializes in orthodontics provides full-time service. The Virginia Board of Dentistry reports that it has never received a complaint about any dentist at Hayfield Dental Care. You can contact Hayfield Dental Care at 703-971-2220.

New Zealand 2

The two islands of New Zealand occupy about 103,000 square miles, but the city of Chicago sits on 234 square miles. One doesn’t need a degree in statistics to see that Chicago resembles a cattle yard compared with New Zealand.

Auckland is the largest city in New Zealand. If you count the population of Auckland and its suburbs, you’ll reach a figure slightly more than a million. And almost all those people live in single-family houses.

I didn’t get out my yardstick and measure the square miles of Auckland and its suburbs, but I saw the entire area from both the ground and the air, and it’s larger than Chicago.

On the other hand, although Chicago may be more crowded than Auckland, it has one major advantage. My hometown has two major-league baseball teams. Auckland has none.

New Zealand 1

I recently returned to the USA after a visit to New Zealand. I found many things of interest during my visit, but I failed to notice one thing until I returned. Everywhere I’ve gone in the USA, I’ve found the crush of humanity overwhelming.

New Zealand occupies two islands across the Tasman Sea from Australia. About three million people live in New Zealand, a figure close to that of Chicago, my hometown. Nothing in the country of New Zealand could ever prepare anyone for Chicago.

Hold the Phone

Anyone who has ever worked in a business office knows how difficult it is to get anything done if you have to work with a second-rate telephone system. Telephone tag and the busy signal that never dies are only two common symptoms. Small businesses may have found it especially difficult to find a vendor who can provide new telephone technologies that meet their specific needs.

Xpander Communications provides new telephone systems such as Voice Over IP (VoIP) specifically designed for small businesses. Xpander delivers VoIP Small Business Phone Systems that are easy to use, easy to maintain, and affordable.

A small business can have these systems installed at both its home office and all branch offices, thereby making the job more efficient and more successful for everyone. Xpander makes these high-tech telephone systems affordable for small businesses by providing limitless free service and support, plus the best in long-distance and international calling plans.

Large firms can afford the best telephone systems available. And now Xpander Communications makes the best telephone systems available to small businesses.

Download a DVD

To obtain the movie you just can’t wait for, go to the right sidebar and find the box labeled “DVD-Quality Downloads.” Click on the button and see what’s there. DVD-quality downloads for hundreds of movies await you. You can shop by category, by genre, or by movie studio. If you prefer a TV show instead of a movie, look at anything from A&E to VH1. Shop by channel or by genre. The prices vary. Why wait? See what you want, and see it now.

Hold the Pickle, Hold the Lettuce

I recently visited New Zealand, where I learned that some farmers raise grass-fed Friesian bulls that are eventually slaughtered and used for human consumption. Most of the meat from these bulls is shipped to the United States, where fast-food chains sell it in hamburger sandwiches.

I learned about all these matters by questioning three farm men, two farm women, a butcher who is also a farmer, a livestock dealer, and a retired CEO of a meatpacking company. Two of the farmers raise sheep and bulls. One raises sheep and steers. The butcher raises pigs. The retired CEO raises flowers.

All these experts agreed that the bulls are butchered and boned in New Zealand, and that about 80 percent of the meat is sent to the U.S.A. to be turned into hamburgers. The remaining 20 percent goes to other countries, primarily to Japan. The hamburgers made in the United States contain about 85 percent bull meat, plus 15 percent fat that is added from other slaughtered cattle. Bulls themselves contain almost no fat.

I can promise you that the fast-food companies in the United States do not want me and my fellow Americans to know these facts. They don’t want us to know that they’re selling bull meat. Bulls create the wrong image. But that's the only image your taste buds will get if you pick the right day to buy your burger.

Appreciative Coaching

College and university students sometimes find that job and family obligations prevent them from attending classes held on a traditional campus. For those students, e-learning offers a useful alternative. Capella University, a fully online university, offers a broad array of courses by means of the internet.

No university can function properly without a faculty dedicated to both teaching and research. Sara Orem, Ph.D., a member of the faculty at Capella University, recently co-authored Appreciative Coaching: A Positive Process for Change. The book’s other co-authors are Jacqueline Binkert, Ph.D., and Ann Clancy, Ph.D.

Appreciative Coaching takes the position that groups and individuals succeed when they concentrate on ideals, achievements, and best practices. The book suggests that one can reach success by following a path though four stages--Discovery, Dream, Design, and Destiny.

Capella University presently serves over 17,900 students throughout the United States and in 56 foreign countries. It is accredited by the Higher Learning Commission and is a member of the North Central Association of Colleges and Schools. For more information, logon to Capella.edu or call 1-888-CAPELLA (227-3552).
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This blog post was based on information provided by Blogitive. For more information, please visit Blogitive.com.

Writing Contests, Part 1

If you write poetry, short stories, novels, essays, nonfiction, or memoir of the best literary quality you can produce, the best source for finding honest contests is Poets & Writers Magazine. This magazine (which used to be called Coda) roots out scams and sinks them into the deepest hole in the Atlantic Ocean. The magazine comes out every two months, and you can find it in any decent library. Or you can buy it at newsstands or bookstores. I subscribe because it doesn't cost all that much and it's more convenient.

The first part of P&W contains articles, many of which are useful. But everyone knows that the really good stuff comes after the articles. That's where the contests are listed. Most of the contests are sponsored by literary journals, usually those published by colleges or universities. These contests often charge reading fees, which are used to provide the prize money and keep the journal alive for another year, given that most journals could not survive from subscription fees and the few ads they sell. These reading fees are the only exceptions I know of that do not ring the warning bells for the many scams out there.

Writing Contests, Part 2

The listings begin with the section labeled "Deadlines (Grants & Awards)." Read each listing carefully. In most of them, you'll find a website spelled out where you can find detailed guidelines for the contest. Before you pay a $15 reading fee, make sure the prize is worth the investment. Also, check to see if your $15 will buy a copy of the issue that contains the prize winner. If so, you'll at least get something for your reading fee.

After reading "Deadlines," continue on to the "Classifieds" and look for "Contests." Here you'll find contests sponsored by independent literary journals that are not usually associated with colleges or universities. The prizes offered are usually smaller than those offered by the more prestigious journals, and, therefore, the reading fee should also be smaller. Don't shell out $15 if the prize is only $100.

NOW COMES THE REALLY BAD NEWS: Your chance of winning any of these contests is about as likely as winning a lottery. I've been writing for 30 years. Dozens of my stories and essays have appeared in magazines, anthologies, and literary journals. A university press published my well-received but seldom-purchased family memoir. A small press released my personal memoir in 2006. In all these years, I've won only one contest, and the winning prize amounted to $250.

If you want to make money, get a good job and do your serious writing after work, after the children are in bed, after you help clean up the mess, and after you tell your spouse how much you love him or her.

ResponseCom

At a time when radio and television provide advertisements for every imaginable product or service, companies large and small may want to consider an older way to deliver their advertising messages.

Martin Worldwide can provide a database of over 290 million individuals and 14 million businesses. That’s 304 million potential customers. Martin Worldwide’s database, called ResponseCom, combines two older databases in order to create a huge number of Sales Leads.

The ResponseCom database identifies new clients for small firms and large corporations. ResponseCom selects exactly the right candidates for virtually any product or service. It finds those markets that demonstrate a history of responding to direct mail advertising.

Martin Worldwide makes its direct marketing services available in a cost-effective and productive way. Contact Chip Matthews, client relations manager, at 888-267-3545 or by e-mail at: chip@martinworldwide.net.

Harvest of Shame, Part 2

CBS reporters followed the path of migrant farm workers as they harvested the crops from Florida to New Jersey. Interviewers and the cameras that filmed them revealed desperate workers trapped in a system that provided the only work they knew how to do.

After letting workers describe their long hours, low pay, filthy living quarters, poor food, and transportation that was worse than that provided for animals, the interviewers repeatedly asked the workers if they thought they would ever escape from the work they had chosen. The answer repeatedly given was “I don’t see how.”

Harvest of Shame was broadcast right before Thanksgiving, a holiday on which Americans have traditionally enjoyed the blessings of a bountiful harvest. The CBS documentary forced Americans to change their conceptions of how that bountiful harvest reached their dining tables.

Harvest of Shame changed the way Americans saw themselves as it also changed the nature of American documentary films.

Harvest of Shame, Part 1

A real documentary provides a counterbalance to the feature films that purport to reflect contemporary society. “Art imitates life” is the conventional wisdom that supports the claims of the feature filmmaker.

But in real life, an endless repetition of cops and robbers, exploding autos, and attractive actors fails to depict the reality of American society, or any society. The documentary, if it’s well made, offers a contrast to the familiar feature film.

In 1960, Edward R. Murrow and his CBS Reports television staff made a classic documentary, one that is still taught in film classes throughout the United States. This documentary was called Harvest of Shame, and it effectively challenged the popular beliefs of how food was harvested for the best-fed nation on earth. That documentary is now available on DVD.

Silver

For centuries, people have conserved their wealth by converting it to silver and other precious metals. In the present era, Monex Deposit Company provides a convenient way for the public to buy silver.

A precious metal is not the kind of thing to store with your childhood stamp collection. The large, well-trained staff at Monex can provide for safe delivery to an independent bank or depository of your choice. Silver is available in either coin or ingot form.

Silver may be especially attractive to investors at the present time. Yearly demand for silver now exceeds production. The world’s silver reserves are growing smaller and may soon drop to nothing. Regardless of whether you prefer coins or ingots, Monex can provide competitive prices.

No one would suggest that you put all your wealth into silver, but consider purchasing this rare and beautiful metal as a safeguard for whatever amount of your accumulated wealth you wish. In unpredictable economic times, silver is one of the only sure guardians of your wealth.

The Big Sleep 2

In Michael Winner’s 1977 remake of The Big Sleep, the confusion in the plot of the original movie is corrected, but the new screenplay can’t compare with the earlier one. Not even Robert Mitchum can breathe live into the wooden dialog.

Another failure lies in the fact that Winner decided to place the film in England. It would be impossible for anyone to put an American hard-boiled detective into such a foreign setting and expect the whole thing to succeed. Instead, the whole thing looks silly.

The remake of The Big Sleep fails to past the test when compared with the original.

The Big Sleep 1

The trouble with doing a remake of a great movie is that viewers are bound to compare the new version with the original, and the remake has to be really good in order to survive the test. Consider the case of The Big Sleep, which can now be found on DVD.

The original production of The Big Sleep is one of the finest examples of film noir we’ll ever have. The script is based on Raymond Chandler’s hard-boiled detective novel of the same title. The plot is remarkably complex, but that doesn’t really matter when detective Philip Marlowe is entertaining us with one wisecrack after another. “You’re not very tall, are you?” a spoiled brat tells him. “I try to be,” Marlowe says.

Fans of the Bogart-Bacall duo have found much to please them in The Big Sleep. The dialog between these two is as steamy as Florida in July.

How can a remake compare well with all this?

Surfer Girls

If you’re a woman or girl who likes surfing and other water sports, you can find helpful information and products online at Surfer Girls. Even if you don’t surf but like the image that surfing suggests, you can also find something you’ll like at Surfer Girls. Or if you aren’t interested in water sports for yourself, you can find a gift for that girl or woman who will really love it.

Surfer Girls provides information about surfing camps, surf and water sport news, and interesting surfing stories. If you need some surf-related products, you can find artwork, jewelry, music, DVDs, surf clothing, and much more at Surfer Girls.

All of us who care about the environment and the welfare of animal life will applaud Surfer Girls, which supports clubs, organizations, and individuals who work to protect those resources that make water sports so pleasurable for women and girls of all ages.

DVD Downloads

New Moon now provides an easy way for you to obtain the movie you just can’t wait for. Simply go to the right sidebar and find the box labeled “DVD-Quality Downloads.” Click on the button and see what’s there. DVD-quality downloads for hundreds of movies await you. You can shop by category, by genre, or by movie studio. If you prefer a TV show instead of a movie, look at anything from A&E to VH1. Shop by channel or by genre. The prices vary, depending on what you choose. Why wait? See what you want, and see it now.

Mechanic School Directory

Parents, teachers, and guidance counsellors agree that a young person should get a good education in order to find employment that will provide for a happy life. I’ve often given that advice to my own children.

When we think about a good education, we often think first about a four-year college degree and oftentimes a graduate degree. But we should also keep in mind the training available for young people who may want to learn the traditional crafts and trades. This kind of employment can provide a secure and rewarded career.

People interested in learning about mechanics, welding, and HVAC (Heating and Air-Conditioning Systems) may not know what schools offer the kind of training they need. That kind of information can be found online at the Mechanic-School-Directory.com. That’s where you can find schools that will help you acquire HVAC Certification.

The Mechanic School Directory provides a comprehensive list of trade schools located throughout the United States. These schools offer training in both welding and HVAC. In addition, the directory lists schools that provide educations in auto, diesel, aircraft, motorcycle, and marine mechanics.

The Mechanic School Directory provides easy online access to the schools listed. The directory also provides important information about programs, certification, careers, and licensing. If you or someone you know would like to acquire an education in mechanics, welding, or HVAC, the Mechanic School Directory is a good place to start looking.

Central Standard

At present, the family memoir is one of the most popular literary forms in the United States. One of the best examples of this form is Central Standard: A Time, a Place, a Family. This book received good reviews in the Middle West, but it was largely ignored elsewhere in the country. Central Standard tells the story of one working-class family that stayed together, survived the Great Depression, and sometimes triumphed. After failing to succeed at farming, the family found its home in railroad work. The book contains its share of both sorrow and joy. Ask your librarian to order Central Standard.

Orchestra Seats

I've just seen a delightful movie called Orchestra Seats. The story is set in contemporary Paris. All the main characters started life with very little and managed to create a good existence for themselves without forgetting the rest of their fellow citizens. Some of the success stories are a little hard to believe, but the excellent camera work, music, and a very good screenplay make the viewer forget about minor faults.

Orchestra Seats isn't the kind of movie that will show up at the theater at every shopping mall. You may have to wait to buy, rent, or download the DVD. But the movie will be well worth the wait.

Jamaica Vacation

Why have I never gone to Jamaica? I’ve never heard anything but good news about this ideal vacation spot. It isn’t all that far away. I wouldn’t have to go to the other side of the earth. I can afford it, especially if I take advantage of Vacations.net.

If I can go to Jamaica, so can you. I’m not poor, but I live simply and save what I can to provide an occasional vacation for my family and myself. So I’m not likely to set off without careful planning. I need Vacations.net so that I can take an all inclusive jamaica vacation.

Vacations.net has redesigned its website to offer up-scale resort vacations at discount rates. The site provides an intuitive booking engine, thorough content, and compelling images. And best of all, the site is easy to use.

A trip to Vacations.net provides virtual tours, detailed information about accommodations, and everything you need to know about all-inclusive resort vacations in places such as Mexico, the Dominican Republic, and Jamaica.

For reservations and all the info you need, visit www.vacations.net, or call 1-888-205-3315.

More Sad News in the Southern Hemisphere

In all confidence, I must now tell you that south of the Equator, the people sound altogether too much like the people of England! It appears that these people did not dump tea in a harbor, did not sign a Declaration of Independence, did not shoot at soldiers in bright-red uniforms, and generally did not do what all right-thinking people did in the 1770’s.

We live in troubled times.

Shocking News South of the Equator

Let me tell you the most shocking thing I’ve ever heard south of the Equator. After six weeks of careful listening and observation, I’ve noticed that the people of the Southern Hemisphere speak with accents unlike anything I’ve ever heard in the American Middle West, where English is always pronounced correctly. Moreover, the accents heard down under in no way resemble the accents in New York, Alabama, Boston, or not even in Missouri.

Northern Virginia Real Estate

Every so often, I like to visit Washington, D.C., to gaze again at some of our national monuments. The Lincoln Monument is my favorite, and the Jefferson Monument is a close second. Once I’ve taken all the photographs I can afford, I can easily spend a week going through the Smithsonian Institution.

If I lived in Northern Virginia, I could visit those places more frequently and conveniently. And if I could move to Northern Virginia, I would want to look into fairfax real estate. And I would also want to introduce myself to John Holmes at Keller Williams real estate.

Keller Williams is the fastest growing real estate firm in the United States, and John Holmes has helped create that success. With over 20 years of real estate experience, John could help me find just the property I needed in Northern Virginia. He knows both condos and houses. And when it came time to move on, John could find me an eager buyer.

This whole idea sounds better and better. I’m presently visiting a country in the South Pacific. If I can do that, why not Northern Virginia?

Still More Word Trouble South of the Equator

South of the Equator, cars have bonnets and boots. But close observation of the Old Order Amish in the United States of America proves that bonnets and boots are still items of clothing, not the al-u-min-i-um that may or may not be used to manufacture anything powered by an internal-combustion engine.

More Word Trouble South of the Equator

Animal husbandry is important to English-speaking citizens anywhere. As a boy on the farm, I often moved the cows and calves from one pasture to another. But there are no pastures south of the Equator. The sheep eat their bluegrass in “paddocks,” which I confused with “padlocks,” an invention in which the sheep will search in vain for bluegrass.

Walt Disney World Tickets

If Orlando, Florida, is your vacation destination, you will find it useful to make OrlandoFunTickets.com your ticket destination. Perhaps the most popular attraction in Orlando is Walt Disney World, which offers four theme parks, two water parks, and much more.

But there’s a great deal more to see and do in Orlando. Its variety of theme parks, dinner shows, and numerous other attractions make it popular for all members of the family. Because of the large number of tourist stops in Orlando, the visitor can find the numerous options for admission tickets far too confusing.

One solution to this confusing situation is to go online and obtain your Walt Disney World Tickets from OrlandoFunTickets.com. This firm offers the lowest prices for all discount Disney tickets. OrlandoFunTickets also offers the lowest discount prices for all other theme parks and dinner shows. These popular attractions include Sea World, Universal Studios, Arabian Nights, and much more.

Your visit to Orlando should be fun, not confusing. For the best ticket prices, logon to Orlandofuntickets.com.

Language Trouble South of the Equator

I like to take a generous attitude toward the people of any country south of the Equator, but I am baffled by “aluminium.” This is apparently the word used for the metal otherwise known as “aluminum.” When I first heard al-u-min-i-um, I thought the speaker had been drinking an inferior brand of beer. But then I saw the word in print in an otherwise reputable journal. Now I see and hear the word everywhere.

We live in troubled times.

More Trouble in the South Pacific

In the South Pacific, global warming has caused all the refrigerators to melt.

The refrigerator crisis has caused Island.com and Island.org to declare war on each other, although neither country has an army, navy, or air force.

Reports from Island.com and Island.org state that no casualties have occurred in the first week of warfare.

In the most recent election in the island nation of Tasmansea, the Sheep Party won all seats in Parliament. The party’s first act was to change the national anthem to “Baa, Baa, Black Sheep.”

Most sheep in Tasmansea prefer to drive the Dodge Ram, although the Swedish Woolvo is also popular.

Sheep now control a majority interest in Woolworth’s.

The Best Dental Care

Next month, I’ll start the car and drive off to Cedar Street, where I’ll park the car and bravely go into the office of my dentist, where experience has taught me that I’ll receive the best dental care available in the town where I live. If you live near Alexandria, Virginia, you can expect to receive the same excellent treatment at Hayfield Dental Care, which has served the residents of that area since 1987.

Consider the qualifications of charles brown dds pc. Dr. Brown has worked at Hayfield Dental Care for ten years. During that time, he has performed thousands of crown, root canal, and surgical procedures. The Virginia Board of Dentistry reports that Charles Brown, DDS, has received zero complaints.

Dr. Brown graduated from the Medical College of Virginia, where he received the Academic Achievement Award for having ranked first in his class for the 1996 academic year. The Washington Area Consumer Council listed Charles Brown, DDS, as one of the region’s top dentists. With staff members like Dr. Brown on board, why look elsewhere? You can reach Hayfield Dental Care at 703-971-2220.

“Minutes”

Here’s a teaser, one paragraph from “Minutes,” a short story now available from Amazon Shorts. The author of New Moon is also the author of “Minutes.” Here we go:

Burning Desire Romance Writers

Dressed in a lovely burgundy evening gown, Chairwoman Angela Chandler Dumont rose from her chair at the head of the long, gleaming walnut table and called the meeting to order at eight o’clock. “Ladies,” she said breathlessly, “first I must thank our hostess on behalf of the group. The chilled champagne and lightly sautéed vegetables orientale were exquisite, especially in this beautiful setting in Deepwater’s exclusive East End, with the moonlight streaming through the high windows with their Palladian summits. Thank you, Penelope.”

Want to read more? Go to the right sidebar and click on “Amazon Shorts.” Then get ready to pay a mere 49 cents.

Discover StoresOnline

The StoresOnline website says, “Discover the advantage you can have with StoresOnline's eCommerce training and powerful technology.” But a New Zealand woman says she paid the Web company over $23,000 and received almost nothing in sales.

According to an article in the April 3 issue of The Dominion Post, Karen Clunie paid $6500 for a starter pack, $1000 for financing, $14,000 for coaching and support packs, and $1800 to register her company in the United States. Her six online “stores” realized total sales of $80.

In 2006, StoresOnline paid 175 Australians $680,000 to resolve charges of misleading and deceptive practices.

New Moon finds it distressing that the actions of companies like StoresOnline may damage the prospects of legitimate online firms.

Disney World Packages

Why not make this the year for an Orlando vacation? Disney World packages offer all the excitement you can imagine. If you've already taken the family to Disney World recently, you may be interested to learn that Orlando has 52 theme parks altogether. And beautiful ocean beaches await you only 40 minutes away. To top all this off, consider the fact that the rates for vacation homes are lower than those for most other popular vacation destinations. With rent like that, you can stay even longer to enjoy Orlando's many attractions.

Still not convinced? Consider this. Because the theme park business is so competitive, most parks are continually adding new rides and new attractions. So if you haven't been to Orlando within the last 3 to 5 years, the whole family still has a lot to see.

DVD-Quality Downloads

This Web site now provides a quick and easy way for you to obtain the movie you just can’t wait for. Simply go to the right sidebar and find the box labeled “DVD-Quality Downloads.” Click on the button and see what’s waiting for you. I just clicked on the button, and three recent releases leapt out at me—The Pursuit of Happiness, The U.S. vs. John Lennon, and The Departed.

But you don’t have to stop there. DVD-quality downloads for hundreds of other movies await you, as categorized in the lists on the left. You can shop by category, by genre, or by movie studio. If you prefer a TV show instead of a movie, look at anything from A&E to VH1. Shop by channel or by genre. The prices vary, depending on what you choose. Why wait? See what you want, and see it now.

Movies

This weblog takes a sympathetic look at American movies. We like mysteries, drama, humor, and documentary. We take a dimly lit view of “adult movies,” this designation being little more than a codeword for porn. We need good children’s movies, but rarely get them.

In the mystery genre, we haven’t seen a good film since Chinatown. Humor has suffered since Mel Brooks retired. The drama category has produced the first great American movie of the twenty-first century: Good Night, and Good Luck.

We may not get that lucky again for half a century.

Sleep Apnea

A friend of mine may or may not have sleep apnea. His wife says he does. He says he doesn’t. His wife is in a better position to render this diagnosis, since this problem, if it exists, occurs when my friend is asleep. I don’t intend to take part in this debate, but if the couple finally reaches an agreement, I could provide some information.

A person who has sleep apnea falls asleep for 10 to 30 seconds at a time while sleeping. These incidents may occur as much as 400 times a night. This condition is potentially dangerous, and anyone who suffers from it should seek the attention of a doctor. If the doctor finds that there is sufficient danger, he or she may arrange for a sleep study. If this study finds that the disorder exists, the doctor may prescribe a cpap device.

At this point CPAP Wholesale can be of assistance. CPAP stands for continuous positive airway pressure. When used as directed, a CPAP device lets a person breathe normally while sleeping, thereby relieving the symptoms and potential dangers of sleep apnea.

An individual cannot simply order a CPAP device. You must first obtain a doctor’s prescription. After that, you can contact CPAP Wholesale for help in obtaining the prescribed device. If you have any questions, the staff will be happy to assist you. Simply call 757-788-8073.

Sleep well, friends. Sweet dreams.

Music Videos

All of us have seen and heard music videos on television, but how many of us have found ourselves featured in such a production? Not me. But now it’s actually possible to create a music slideshow with the help of fliptrack.com. All you need is a computer with an internet connection, and you can star in your own music video.

The whole process is really quite simple. Fliptrack.com explains each step required to create a music slideshow. You don’t need a television studio. You provide only the photographs, and Fliptrack provides everything else you need to star in your own production.

After you create a music slideshow, you can then share it with your friends by e-mailing them or by putting it into your own blog. In either case, you’re the star. But let me give you one last piece of advice. Don’t quit your day job.

Murder One

Three of my short mysteries feature Michael Scofield, my private detective. “Chips” raises the number of Scofield stories to four. Scofield lives and works in the Quad Cities, which sit on the banks of the Mississippi River in Iowa and Illinois. These cities contain a total population of about 350,000 people, many of whom show little respect for law and order. Scofield usually goes where the money leads him, but in “Chips” the murder of a childhood friend motivates him more than money. I give the reader every clue that Scofield finds, but not one reader in a hundred will solve this mystery before my favorite private eye.

You can read this short mystery at Chips.

Murder Two

“The Plot” features 23-year-old amateur detective Teri Benda. Teri works as an assistant editor for a mystery magazine. This job, for all its merits, doesn't fulfill Teri's compulsion to investigate real-life crimes, a practice that frightens her mother and irritates Detective Lieutenant David Malatek. While at work one day, Teri is reading a mystery story submitted by a would-be writer named Mullen. Mullen displays none of the literary skill required by magazine editors, but Teri finds one page in the story that appears to have been included by mistake. The page reveals a murder plot that is either the plot for a story or the plot for a real murder. Despite the fears of her mother and the advice of her boss, Teri sets out to discover whether the plot is fact or fiction. This leads directly to the body of a man who didn't die of natural causes. Will Teri let the police handle it? Not likely.

Read this story mystery at The Plot.

Invest Wisely

I have often wondered where to invest my meager savings. What is the safest place to put my small pile of dough? Treasury bonds? Certificates of deposit? Blue-chip stocks. Lottery tickets? Even I know enough not to throw my money away by gambling. But where should I invest? Perhaps there's more than just one type of safe investment. What about bullion?

If you should want to invest in bullion, the Monex Deposit Company can provide safe delivery and competitive prices. Monex has both a dedicated staff and over thirty years of experience in the precious metals business. The firm provides secure delivery to individuals or to independent banks or depositories, whichever the buyer prefers.

Although I wouldn’t recommend that anyone should invest all of his or her savings in gold or silver, one might find good reason to invest a portion of those savings in bullion. At the present moment, silver is especially attractive. Around the world, the annual production of silver cannot meet the yearly demand. After selling off most of its stockpile of silver, the United States is now buying this precious metal, which makes silver look like an especially good purchase for individual investors at this moment.

From the time of the ancient Egyptians to the present, people have sought to protect their wealth by investing in gold. Gold still provides a way to diversify one’s investment portfolio, protect wealth, and preserve purchasing power.

For those individuals who wish to invest in gold and/or silver, Monex can provide the same combination of safe delivery and competitive prices that it has provided for over thirty years.

Trouble in the South Pacific

I’m presently touring the island nations of the South Pacific. I’m paying for this fact-finding mission with a grant funded by the U.S. Department of State. Like all such grants, I received this one by bribing a member of Congress.

My tour has brought me to the island nation of New Zealand, where the major impediment to a just society is the overpopulation of sheep. Sheep outnumber humans by 567 trillion to 4 million. The Sheep Party controls Parliament, and therefore all branches of government.

Parliament has passed laws banning cows and hogs from both the North Island and the South Island. Air New Zealand is presently flying non-stop between New Zealand and Australia, carrying overbooked loads of cattle and hogs to new homes in Australia.

Sheep now clog the roads with their cars and pickups. Their favorite pickup is the Dodge Ram. Sheep have bought up all available housing. The kitchens, parlors, and beds are full of sheep. Sheep demand and get the best seats at restaurants, theaters, and concerts.

No one yet knows how to end the gross injustice brought on the people and livestock of the island nation of New Zealand.

Come to the Caribbean

Have you ever been to the Caribbean? Neither have I, but I’d like to go. I imagine palm trees, white beaches, and perfectly clear water. I’ll go there someday.

But maybe someday should be right now. Why not do it and stop imagining it? Maybe it’s time to logon to Vacations.net. It’s time to find an All Inclusive Resort In The Caribbean.

Vacations.net has redesigned its website to offer up-scale resort vacations at discount rates. The site provides an intuitive booking engine, thorough content, and compelling images. And best of all, the site is easy to use.

A trip to Vacations.net provides virtual tours, detailed information about accommodations, and everything you need to know about all-inclusive resort vacations in places such as Jamaica, Mexico, and the Dominican Republic.

For reservations and all the info you need, visit www.vacations.net, or call 1-888-205-3315. I'll see you in the Caribbean.

D.O.A.

Many fans believe that D.O.A. is the greatest film noir movie ever made. Frank Bigelow has left his small-town home and business for a vacation in the city. Frank is contemplating marriage and wants some time away from his girl friend to think things over.

Shortly after his arrival in the city, Frank falls ill. A visit to the doctor reveals that someone has poisoned Frank with iridium. (There is no poison called "iridium," but don't let that spoil the movie for you.) No antidote exists and Frank has only a short time to live.

In the days that Frank has left, he sets out to find his killer.

Big Trouble in Deepwater

Have you ever served as the secretary of a local group or organization? If you have, you will recall the painful effort required to write down everything that was said or done. Forget all that now and come with me to the town of Deepwater, Iowa. (There is no deep water in Iowa.) Read the minutes kept by the secretaries of five groups, starting with the Deepwater Skywatch Support Group as it deals with issues such as space aliens in a silo and the expensive obstacles involved in the creation of an alien-abduction hall of fame. You can purchase this comic masterpiece for only 49 cents. Clink on this link and get ready to laugh: Minutes.

Delta Chelsea

Delta Hotels can be found in over 40 Canadian cities, including locations in Toronto, British Columbia, and Alberta. The Delta Chelsea is located in downtown Toronto, close to theaters, tourist attractions, and the financial district. Because of its location, both business travellers and families find the Delta Chelsea to be one of the most attractive toronto hotels.

Among its many attractions, the Delta Chelsea offers an indoor waterslide, a day-care center, a rooftop pool, and a health club. The health club features lifecycles, liferowers, treadmills, and much more fitness equipment.

Whether you are a business traveller or a parent intent on a vacation for the family, the Delta Chelsea will meet all your needs during your stay in Toronto.

News from the South Pacific

On the islands of the South Pacific, water goes down the drain in a counterclockwise whirl, causing all the plumbing to explode.

The sun rises in the west and sets in the east, making it impossible to navigate a ship by means of an astrolabe. This causes ship captains to lose their way and crash into the coast of Australia.

Military tyrants dissolve parliaments and arrest presidents because they were “causing trouble.”

When I get drunk and get lost in the night, I can’t find my way by means of the North Star. This causes me to crash into the coast of Australia.

The sun crosses the sky in the wrong place, which makes it impossible to tell north from south. Citizens on the islands of the South Pacific think they’re heading north until they drive off the bluffs, fall into the ocean, and crash into the coast, etc.

McNaught’s Comet recently crossed the South Pacific and fell into Melbourne, Australia, where it horrified all the kangaroos in parliament.

Kangaroos have recently become pests on the islands of the South Pacific. No one knows where they came from, but they arrived from the west, wet and tired.

Opossums have become a menace to literature in the South Pacific, where they climb down chimneys and eat all the hard-boiled detective fiction.

Hedgehogs have begun breaking into movie vaults and poking holes in the film noir.

Following the next eclipse of the moon, all the islands will slip beneath the waters of the South Pacific.

Patrick is in seclusion somewhere in the South Pacific.

The Trouble With Humor

I’m from the Middle West, where I and my fellow taxpayers use a common form of humor. This humor combines exaggeration, irony, and self-denigration. The trouble with all this is that people from outside the Middle West don’t always get the joke.
Many years ago I met a nice fellow from somewhere in the eastern part of the United States. At one point he told me that he was a poet. “A poet,” I said. “I have to tell you that I can’t tell iambic pentameter from a row of beans.”
“Don’t derogate yourself,” he said with the kindness of a saint. “You can learn whatever you want.”
This baffled me. I didn’t know what to say. You can’t tell a guy that he missed the joke. That would be insulting. I realized that it didn’t matter if he understood that “beans” meant “soybeans.” I could’ve said “corn,” but it was already too late. I also saw that it would be pointless to show him one of my sonnets.
While still a lad and all the world was in birth, I fell in love with a girl named Mary. She came from South America. Her black hair, brown eyes, and numerous other bodily improvements hit me like a gravel truck. She was a girl, I was a boy, and the summer fields of Iowa rose and fell with the feminine attributes Grant Wood made famous.
The girl went off to visit someone somewhere beyond the Poconos. When she returned, I rushed to her side. “We need to talk,” she said. The “need to talk” has spoiled far too many of my summers.
“Why?” I said.
“I don’t love you the way I did before.”
“Why not?”
Mary, who was growing tired of my questions, produced an answer. “You’re too critical of yourself. You don’t have enough self-respect.” (These events occurred prior to the popularity of the term “self-esteem.”)
The need to talk ended. I could’ve told Mary she was a humorless moron, but that wouldn’t have made her think any better of me. Someone later told me that Mary had got married and divorced. Events happen quickly. I assume that the need to talk arose.
I’m presently visiting the country of New Zealand, where the people are friendly and polite. I’ve met many of these people, and I interject humor into every conversation. Sometimes the victim laughs. Others may smile. The Iranian barber at a nearby town always laughs at my jokes, and I laugh at his. “You should charge a dollar per eyebrow,” I said.
“Next time,” he said. “Next time.”
I’m staying with my friend Joyce, who owns a house in New Zealand. Joyce is from Iowa. A opossum came down one of her two chimneys and made a mess. This offended me so much that I climbed onto the roof of the house and put some chicken wire over the appropriate chimney. The opossum hasn’t come back.
I made far too many comedic gestures during this heroic chimney work. Joyce laughed, but not until I returned to earth.
I hope Joyce doesn’t tell me I lack self-respect. I hope she doesn’t say we need to talk. You never know what’s going to come down the chimney.

Disney Tickets

Orlando, Florida, has long been one of the leading tourist destinations in the world. Its variety of theme parks, dinner shows, and numerous other attractions make it popular for all members of the family.

One of the major attractions is Walt Disney World, which offers four theme parks, two water parks, and a great deal more. Because of the large number of tourist stops in Orlando, the visitor can find the numerous options for admission tickets far too confusing.

One solution to this confusing situation is to go online and obtain your Disney Tickets from Orlandofuntickets.com. This firm offers the lowest prices for all discount Disney tickets. Orlandofuntickets also offers the lowest discount prices for all other theme parks and dinner shows. These popular attractions include Sea World, Universal Studios, Arabian Nights, and much more.

Your visit to Orlando should be fun, not confusing. For the best ticket prices, logon to Orlandofuntickets.com.

Whistle Stop

Whistle Stop is one of my favorite movies in the Ultimate Film Noir Collection. Leonide Moguy directed this 1946 film, which lasts a convenient 84 minutes. Ava Gardner plays the woman who returns to her hometown, where the local citizens find her a little too sexy for small-town standards. She rejoins her old flame (George Raft), a local gambler who tests the limits of shady activity when he gets himself involved in a murder plot. The sexy woman who just got off the train goes along for the wild ride.

Scarlet Street

Scarlet Street is one of the film-noir classics in the Ultimate Film Noir Collection available from Patrick's Film Noir Store. Fritz Lang directed this steamy 93-minute movie, which was released in 1945. Edward G. Robinson plays the unsuspecting victim who falls for a scheming woman (Joan Bennett). Our hero then falls victim to Bennett’s boyfriend (Dan Duryea). At this point, things become very nasty.

ScalesEtc

Every year I go to my annual physical, and every year my doctor tells me the same thing. I need to lose weight. Just a little more exercise and a lot less food will do the job. Then I go home, trot around the block a few times, and eat a light dinner. When sleep starts pulling me toward the bed, I resist the temptation to have a snack, and soon my snoring is waking up everyone on the block.

The next morning, I hop out of bed and rush to the bathroom to check the results of my heroic efforts. I jump on the scales, watch the dial, and suddenly remember what I always remember. My scales don’t work. To the best of my knowledge, my scales have never worked. I think I bought them at a fire sale and subsequently learned that all the movable parts had fused together during the fire that prompted the sale. The time has come for me to get some Digital Scales.

ScalesEtc has scales for any weight you want—grams, pounds, tons. You name it. And ScalesEtc also has scales for every common use. Scales for cooking, scales for shipping, scales for THE BATHROOM. And because I can order my bathroom scales online, I have no reason to forget about buying an accurate set of scales with nice large numbers that will tell me if I’m making progress with my weight-loss efforts.

And I don’t have to worry about getting a pair of scales that melted in a fire. ScalesEtc sells My Weigh-brand scales with a lifetime warranty from the manufacturer. Jennings scales come with a 20-year warranty. And all these scales are sold at discount prices. Why don’t I place my order before my annual physical? I’m listening to you Dr. V. I really am. I’ll see you in May.

Ultimate Film Noir Collection

Just when you thought things couldn’t get any better, PATRICK'S FILM NOIR STORE now offers you eleven film-noir classics on five DVDs. The collection includes The L.A. Investigator, Scarlet Street, Impact, Trapped, Whistle Stop, The Best of Film Noir (documentary), and five more. The whole bundle costs only $14.99. Give it a look.

Hammett’s Published Work

Between 1929 and 1934, Dashiell Hammett published five novels: Red Harvest (1929), The Dain Curse (1929), The Maltese Falcon (1930), The Glass Key (1931), and The Thin Man (1934).

He also wrote a great number of short stories, collected in The Big Knockover, The Continental Op, and Nightmare Town. His most enduring characters were Sam Spade, Nick Charles, and the Continental Op.

During the 1950’s, Hammett became the object of the latest Red Scare and was jailed for refusing to reveal the political affiliations of friends and acquaintances.

Hammett served in both World Wars. He died in 1961 and is buried in Arlington National Cemetery.

Increase Link Popularity

If you want to increase the link popularity of your website, you could try any number of strategies. You could photocopy your site’s URL and tack it on every bulletin board in every laundromat in North America. You could spend months creating links to every site remotely related to yours. In either of these brave attempts, you would be ignoring the importance of search engines, especially Google.

Google considers websites by looking at both on-site and off-site factors. For the sake of clarity, let’s consider only the off-site factors. One factor is page rank. Although page rank remains important for Google’s calculations, it’s no longer as important as it used to be. Google now looks at links from a wide variety of places on the internet, not just those places with high page ranks. Links from a thousand websites of various types now carry more weight than a hundred sites with heroic page ranks. I can’t state it any more simply or honestly than that.

So what is the best way to increase link popularity for your website? I recommend the time-tested press release, but let’s not send it off to every English-language newspaper in the world. Let’s remember that we’re dealing with your website and call it a web release (a short version of the traditional press release).

If you have a great deal of time on your hands, you can send your web release to thousands of blogs in hopes that all of them will print your release. If you don’t have all that much time to waste, you can send your web release to Blogitive, which already has over 2000 Blogs and their eager Bloggers who are ready to refine your web release into the best prose they can create.

Please believe me if I say that their prose will be very good indeed.

Dashiell Hammett

Dashiell Hammett began his literary career by announcing that he was going to take crime away from the English upper class and give it back to the common people, who were really good at it. Hammett didn’t say that English detective writers lacked merit. He merely decided to invent the hard-boiled school and forget about the lord of the manor and his idiotic relatives.

Raymond Chandler, an Englishman by lineage and education, agreed that the English had made a contribution to detective fiction. “The English may not always be the best writers in the world,” he wrote, “but they are incomparably the best dull writers.”

The Hard-Boiled School

Without the hard-boiled school of detective fiction, film noir would not exist, or it would exist in only a flaccid manner. Dashiell Hammett was the only writer of detective fiction who ever worked as a real private detective. In his case, he worked for the Pinkerton Detective Agency. After losing his health as a soldier in World War One, he found the work of a detective too arduous. Fortunately, he did not find writing too arduous.

Hammett went on to write five great novels and a pile of short stories, all of which I’ve read. His best effort was probably The Maltese Falcon, which featured Sam Spade, the greatest private eye of them all. He never wrote another Sam Spade story, but that character became the hero of a long-running radio series that Hammett didn’t write.

In his essay “The Simple Art of Murder,” Raymond Chandler wrote the most definitive statement ever made about the art of Dashiell Hammett: “But down those mean streets a man must go who is not himself mean, who is neither tarnished nor afraid.”

Charles Brown, DDS

Let’s face it. Most of us don’t look forward with joy to an appointment with the dentist. At the office where I receive my dental care, a sign by the door says, “We cater to cowards.” That sign reassures me, and experience has taught me that I’ll receive the best dental care possible at that office. If you live near Alexandria, Virginia, you can expect to receive the same kind of gentle treatment at Hayfield Dental Care, which has served the residents of that area since 1987.

All the dentists at Hayfield Dental Care have received advanced training, which eliminates the need for referrals to other offices. Consider the career of charles brown dds pc. Dr. Brown has worked at Hayfield Dental Care for ten years. During that time, he has performed thousands of crown, root canal, and surgical procedures. The Virginia Board of Dentistry reports that Charles Brown, DDS, has received zero complaints.

Dr. Brown graduated from the Medical College of Virginia, where he received the Academic Achievement Award for having ranked first in his class for the 1996 academic year. The Washington Area Consumer Council listed Charles Brown, DDS, as one of the region’s top dentists. With staff members like Dr. Brown on board, why look elsewhere? You can reach Hayfield Dental Care at 703-971-2220.

Classic Film Noir, Volume 2

St. Clair Vision has released Volume 2 of Classic Film Noir. The entire set contains nine movies on three DVDs. The collection sells for $9.98. Volume 2 contains many of my favorite film-noir movies, including Jigsaw, Quicksand, Port of New York, The Strange Love of Martha Ivers, and many others. If you’re looking for a large collection for a small price, Classic Film Noir, Volume 2, may meet your needs. As always, you can make your purchase at PATRICK'S FILM NOIR STORE .

Film-Noir Video Downloads

“New Moon” now makes it possible for you to purchase or rent your favorite movies and TV shows for as little as $1.99. Simply click the Amazon Unbox link on the right sidebar to download and watch your favorite film-noir movie, all in DVD quality. (Actually, you can also watch movies from other film genres, but we’re pushing film noir here.) High-quality video downloads are the one of the latest ways to obtain movies quickly. Watch your Amazon Unbox videos on your PC, portable device, or TV.

Ebates

When I was a child, my mother and I used to take the family car downtown, where Mother found a spot in the big parking lot beside the Des Moines River. Then we walked across the Burlington Railroad tracks and went shopping at JCPenney and various other stores. Mother bought all sorts of things at JCPenney, including sheets, pillowcases, towels, T-shirts, socks and other useful products.

I’m presently far away from that town beside the Des Moines River, but I can still order all the T-shirts and anything else I want from jcpenney. All I need is a computer and an e-mail address, and I happen to have both. So it’s easy for me to take advantage of Ebates, which allows me to save money and receive cash back when I shop online. It costs me nothing to become a member of Ebates, and this membership makes over 800 stores available to me for online shopping.

By using Ebates, I can take advantage of its low prices and receive up to 25 percent in cash back from my purchases. Coupons and other specials make Ebates even more inviting. I’ll see that town beside the Des Moines River again before long, but I think I’ll wait until the snow melts.

The Fat Lip

Many years ago I was walking down the sidewalk, minding my own business, when a kid suddenly took a swing at me with his fist. It wasn’t a knockout blow, but it did cut my lower lip. I spat blood on the drunken punk’s shirt and wrestled him to the ground. I felt like killing him, but that wouldn’t have improved my career path. So I sat on him until the police arrived.

My attacker got off with a $100 fine, and I got off with a fat lip. Someone told me, much too late, that I should have sued the jerk. I realize now that I could have used the services of simmons jannace & stagg, but that excellent firm didn’t yet exist at that time.

The law practice of Simmons, Jannace, & Stagg was formed ten years ago as a firm that dealt primarily with commercial and general liability litigation in New York, Connecticut, and New Jersey. Today, the firm has expanded its practice to include labor and employment, municipal law, real estate, and many other areas of interest to its growing list of clients. These clients include some of the largest corporations in the country, such as Home Depot, J.P. Morgan Chase & Co., Best Buy, and many others.

Simmons, Jannace, & Stagg has retained this list of clients by providing new ways to resolve conflicts, thereby offering its services at a reasonable cost. And the firm is equally adept at representing small companies and individuals. I’m an individual. If I ever get another fat lip, I’ll know who to call.

Dark Passage

Some film-noir fans don’t like this movie because the plot strikes them as too improbable. I prefer to say that Dark Passage has an imaginative plot. The trouble begins with Vincent Parry (Humphrey Bogart) doing time in San Quentin for a murder he didn’t commit. Who wouldn’t sympathize with the guy? He breaks out of the joint by hiding in an outbound barrel aboard a truck. With police sirens coming his way, Parry rocks the barrel back and forth until it tips over and rolls off the truck. Luckily, the barrel rolls into the tall grass instead of over a cliff. Next, a plastic surgeon enters the story, followed by Irene Jansen (Lauren Bacall). What will happen next? Plenty.

Classic Film Noir

Patrick knows a bargain when he sees one, and this is it. "Classic Film Noir" provides nine movies on three disks, all for only $9.98. The visual and audio quality of each film is quite good. The nine titles are D.O.A., Detour, The Strange Love of Martha Ivers, The Hitchhiker, Quicksand, Too Late for Tears, Hollow Triumph, The Man Who Cheated Himself, and The Stranger. Some of these titles have already appeared in the list of my film noir favorites at Patrick's Film Noir Store. If money is of no concern, the visual and audio quality of each movie is likely to be better in an individual DVD. You decide.

Long Vacation

I’m presently spending a long vacation at a pleasant spot in the South Pacific. I planned the whole thing myself, which could explain why I made a stop in Australia when I felt no need to stop anywhere near Australia. I might have been better off had I taken advantage of the services provided by Vacations.net.

Vacations.net can help you plan an all inclusive vacation at its newly redesigned website. This website is easy to use, offers savings of up to 50 percent off of standard rates, and includes beautiful pictures of vacation sites. It also provides information on the customs, culture, and history of your destination.

Because the Vacations.net website is so easy to use, you can book your all-inclusive vacation anytime you have access to a computer with an internet connection. Visual images and virtual tours make your vacation planning far simpler than my recent experience. If you’re looking for beautiful beaches and sunny skies at resorts in locations such as Jamaica, Mexico, or the Dominican Republic, make your first stop at Vacations.net.

Detour

This classic example of film noir proves that if you want to get to California, you should travel by any means other than hitchhiking. A chump named Al makes a series of mistakes that make it obvious that he should have stayed in New York. Martin Goldsmith wrote the script, and Edgar G. Ulmer directed this must-see film. Tom Neal played Al. Buy this movie for only $9.99 at Patrick's Film Noir Store.

High Sierra

This film noir favorite profits from the direction of Raoul Walsh and a screenplay written by the youthful John Huston. Humphrey Bogart plays the professional criminal Roy Earle, whose release from prison leads inevitably to his shootout with police in the High Sierra. This early example of film noir hints at how the genre will develop later in the 1940's.

Bullion

At a time when real estate, stocks, bonds, and many other kinds of investments seem full of danger and uncertainty, one of the oldest ways of preserving wealth remains an alternative—bullion. No sensible person would suggest that investors should put all their savings into gold and silver, but one can see that bullion deserves a place in any investment portfolio.

Gold and silver have served as a means of protecting wealth since the time of the ancient Egyptians, Greeks, and Romans. In the present era, Monex Deposit Company provides a convenient way for the public to buy gold and silver. Bullion is not the kind of thing you should store with your childhood stamp collection. Monex can provide for safe delivery to an independent bank or depository of your choice. Both gold and silver are available in either coin or ingot form.

Silver may be especially attractive to investors at the present time. Yearly demand for silver now exceeds production. Likewise, gold remains as attractive as it has for centuries. Regardless of whether you prefer gold or silver, Monex can provide safe delivery and competitive prices.

Key Largo

John Huston, the film noir genius, directed this masterpiece about a gangster (Edward G. Robinson) and his pals who hold the residents of a hotel hostage. The hotel happens to be in the Florida Keys, and a hurricane happens to be in progress. Humphrey Bogart plays the returning war hero who takes on the bad guys with the help of Lauren Bacall. This movie cleverly exploits the familiar theme of a group of strangers united by common enemies. Buy it at Patrick's Film Noir Store.

The Hitchhiker

Ida Lupino directed this film noir classic. Daniel Mainwaring wrote the screenplay. Two chumps (Edmond O'Brien and Frank Lovejoy) pick up a hitchhiker (William Tallman), which proves to be the worst mistake of their lives. This hitchhiker takes them for a ride they won't soon forget. Buy this film at Patrick's Film Noir Store.

Railroads, Bridges, and Power Plants

Civil engineers work in the branch of engineering that plans and constructs large public works such as railroads, bridges, and power plants. In other words, they do the kind of work that I could never do. In the 1800’s, my great-grandfather patented and built three kinds of steel-truss bridges for railroads, streets, and highways. But I’m not my great-grandfather.

I can’t build bridges, but I use them anytime I go somewhere. I need to use the structures that civil engineers can create only after years of study and work. I benefit from flood control and irrigation systems, even though I may never see the dams and waterways that make them possible.

In order for these engineers to complete the work that society requires, they must be associated with the right Civil Engineering Firms. That’s where CSI makes its contribution. CSI recruits civil engineers for the engineering firms that need those recruits. CSI has a four-member management team with over 60 years of recruiting experience in the field of civil engineering. In addition, CSI has a staff of 14 professional recruiters located throughout the United States.

CSI recruiters do not waste their time shuffling through piles of ancient resumes. Instead, they work with the candidates who are calling or submitting resumes right now. Using a database of job seekers, CSI recruiters place over 25,000 telephone calls in a typical month. Given the success of these energetic recruiters, CSI now represents over 50 top-flight civil engineering firms. By first understanding the needs of each firm it represents, CSI knows the best candidates for each job before anyone picks up a phone.

Thanks for the bridges, guys. I need them.

Contemporary American Fiction

An appalling sameness has descended on contemporary American fiction. The subject matter rarely departs from the relationship between two lovers, regardless of their sexual preferences. This kind of story has a long history and its value cannot be denied. I would never suggest, for example, that the tragic love of Romeo and Juliet has no merit.

But I would suggest that an unending succession of love stories could eventually drive the reader from her book and into the world of unending reruns of I Love Lucy. It’s hard to contend that one is better than the other. Each, Lucy or the story, repeated long enough, could send the reader-viewer into catatonia.

Contemporary American fiction also suffers from a lack of place, which traditionally became known to the reader on the first or second page. As I read stories in literary journals, I keep looking for clues to the location of the characters. Where are these people? I ask. In Cleveland? In St. Louis? Or on one Jupiter’s many moons? I want to know where the characters happen to be. If the reader knows that detail, he can start to make more sense out of the actions and motives of the characters. If a love-sick chump lives in Kansas, he can’t end it all by jumping off the George Washington Bridge, can he?

But the one characteristic of contemporary fiction most likely to send me in search of a bridge is the typical story’s humorlessness. Who is teaching all the young writers that literary fiction cannot include humor and still remain literary? I know that someone is out there, slandering the reputations of Shakespeare, Mark Twain, Flannery O’Connor, John Kennedy Toole, and many more of the greatest writers in history.

I won’t put up with this. Like it or not, the stories that I write (and sometimes publish) will continue to take the humorous high road whenever appropriate. I have one or two of these waiting on my hard drive. Let the bidding begin. I hear one laugh. Do I hear two?

Bingo

Back when I was a child, longer ago than I care to discuss, I used to attend neighborhood bingo parties with my parents. I recall that on one occasion I won a small vase. I still have that vase somewhere, and someday I may find it.

In that receding past, I never dreamed that bingo might become available in nearby casinos, but that has now become a reality close to the town where I live. In that same childhood, I had no idea what a computer was, so it never occurred to me that one day a person might sit at a computer screen and play bingo.

That childhood has vanished, and I can now play bingo online at PartyBingo.com merely by going to http://www.partybingo.com/. And if I decide to play, I can win prizes far more valuable than that vase I won many decades ago.

I can also play a variety of games such as 90-ball bingo, bingo royale, and many others as described at http://www.partybingo.com/games/. If I get lucky, I might win a tasty jackpot prize.

Of coure, I might not get lucky. I might lose money. Before I do anything else I should read about Responsible Gaming at http://www.partybingo.com/responsible_gaming/.

Now I will give some sage advice. Do read that page on Responsible Gaming at http://www.partybingo.com/responsible_gaming/. If you’re not at least 18 years old or whatever the legal adult age is where you live, PartyBingo doesn’t want your business. Go read a book. Play baseball. Gambling of any sort is not for you.

Here’s another piece of advice from your aging bingo player. It’s the oldest piece of advice in the book. Only gamble what you can afford to lose. If you’re losing next month’s rent, PartyBingo doesn’t want your business.

Now I’m going to go look for that vase.

Double Indemnity

Raymond Chandler adapted James M. Cain's masterpiece to create a perfect screenplay. The story remains the same in both book and movie. Why would a man with a good job and no police record allow himself to be drawn into a conspiracy to commit murder? Only money or a woman could do it, and in this case we have both. Sorry, America, take a look at yourself in the mirror. And remember to buy this classic film from Patrick's Film Noir Store.

MagsDirect.com

Despite what you may have heard, television has not killed the magazine industry. For my part, I know that I get plenty of traditional mail from magazines that want me to subscribe. MagsDirect.com offers a convenient way to order subscriptions online.

Simply go to http://www.magsdirect.com/ and a screen will reveal what kinds of subscriptions you can buy from MagsDirect.com. A list of categories includes Cars, Entertainment, Health, Sports, and numerous others. At the top of the page, you can read that MagsDirect.com offers its subscriptions at the "lowest prices allowed by publishers.” I don’t have the time right now to poll all the publishers. So I can neither confirm nor deny this claim.

I like to be entertained, so I clicked on “Entertainment.” A page at http://www.magsdirect.com/entertainment-magazines.html revealed that I could subscribe to Reader’s Digest and People. A closer look showed that MagsDirect offers both Alfred Hitchcock’s Mystery Magazine and Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine. I like to read mysteries. So those two publications caught my attention.

Once you’ve found something you like at MagsDirect, you can simply click on “Subscribe” and complete the whole process online. You can, in fact, find over 1000 magazines at http://www.magsdirect.com/.