Child Custody Dispute

Most people involved in a child-custody suit would arrive on time to give a deposition. Britney Spears is not like most people. In the matter of Federline v. Spears, she didn't even show up for the deposition scheduled for December 12.

This is not the sort of behavior that convinces a judge to rule in your favor.

Mark Vincent Kaplan, the attorney for Federline, said he would try again to get Britney's deposition early next week. Good luck, Mark.

General Condition

Britney Spears was supposed to give a deposition at the office of her ex-husband's lawyer today, but she couldn't make it. Mark Kaplan, the lawyer, stated that Britney missed the appointment because of a "general condition," by which he meant her ill health.

I can sympathize with Britney when this kind of problem arises. I've had a general condition for years. It has really slowed me down. I don't have enough money, I couldn't get a good job, and my wife got a divorce.

People should give Britney and me a break. We both have a general condition.

Britney!

Just when you thought you could forget about Britney Spears and her child-custody dispute, another story hits the daily news. The Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services is investigating Britney for child abuse and neglect. If these alleged charges prove true, they will work against Britney in her continuing child-custody battle with Kevin Federline, her ex-husband.

Britney has already lost duel-custody rights because of past convictions for substance abuse. Lawyers for Spears and Federline will renew the battle in court on January 23.

No Drug Tests for Britney

Serious news for Britney Spears fans. Mark Kaplan, the lawyer representing her ex-hubby, says Miz Britney has ignored eight court-ordered drug tests. If these claims are true, they increase the likelihood that she will not regain joint custody of her two children. They might even prevent her from enjoying the reduced visitation rights she has now. Anne Kiley, Miz Britney's lawyer, says the required drug tests are "unconstitutional."

Britney Misses Red Light!

Look out, southern California. Britney Spears is on the road, and she sometimes misses red lights. So do many other people, but only Miz Britney makes headlines when she does it. This incident allegedly occurred at the intersection of Coldwater Canyon and Mulholland Drive. Britney supposedly had her two children in the backseat and her cell phone in her hand. All members of the New Moon editorial staff will approach that intersection with great care as we drive back to Beverly Hills tonight.

Britney allegedly does not possess a valid driver's license.

Britney's Mom Is To Blame

The biological and legal mother of Britney Spears now states that she is responsible for the way that Britney turned out--basically a wacked out pop star who can't park her car without running into something or someone. Mom's name is Lynne Spears, and mom says the trouble started when she guided Britney into stardom without seeing the manure storm this would lead to. She didn't have the time to help Britney make her way along the poop path.

Mom is now going to write a book about "parenting." For some reason, the editorial staff here at New Moon doesn't see this book leading to any sort of good outcome. If mom's book about parenting is anything like her experience at parenting, we don't see Lynne's book as much of a rival to Doctor Spock's.

Britney Gets Cheated

Britney Spears fans will be outraged to learn that her new album has dropped from the number-one spot on Billboard charts because Billboard changed the rules. Up until now, Billboard didn't count the sales of any album sold only by mega-monster Wal-Mart. But in a stunning reversal of its own rules, Billboard suddenly decided to count Wal-Mart sales, which allowed an upstart group called the Eagles to capture number one in the hit parade.

Everyone is out to get Britney. Why don't they leave her alone?

Cost of Being Britney

How much does it cost to be Britney Spears? The answer to that difficult question seems to be $353,217 a month. The two main ingredients in this fistful of cash appear to be party expenses and medical expenses. It costs a pile of dough to stay healthy enough to enjoy all those parties.

Britney coughed up all this fascinating info for her never-ending court case dealing with the custody of her two kids. She and ex-hubby Kevin Federline are giving the court all kinds of knowledge that may or may not mean anything to you and me.

Foot Trouble for Britney

Could someone please hire a driver for Britney Spears before she destroys the feet of everyone in southern California.

First she ran over the feet of two photographers who were wasting film trying to snap her photo. Now it seems that she ran over a police officer's foot on Friday. Consider how much it will cost the people of Los Angeles to pay the medical costs for the policeman. We don't know who will have to pay for the photographers' repairs.

Don't they have chauffeurs in Los Angeles?

Britney Is Back

Just when you start to forget about her, Britney Spears pulls one of the tricks used by our rich and famous boneheads. This time, the pictures that accompany her new album include what we are supposed to see as a confessional. In this context, Britney dresses and behaves in what are clearly inappropriate ways. These photos are designed to create controversy, thereby providing more publicity for Britney. When entertainers have no talent to begin with, what else can they do?

Britney at the Bar

Britney Spears has allegedly applied for a job as a barmaid. The purpose of this new work ethic is to show everyone in California that she is responsible enough to hold a job. Having proven that, she could then argue in court that she is equally responsible enough to regain joint custody of her two children, both of whom are now in the care of their father.

The flaw in this legal strategy lies in the fact that a job behind the bar would bring Britney into close contact with wines and spirits, the very items that have led to so much of her recent troubles. BS would be better off working at a soda fountain, where the only coke on hand is spelled with a capital "C."

Britney Rocks!

Britney Spears fans will be delighted to learn that Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon has granted her permission to conduct one overnight visit per week with her two young sons. Someone has to supervise these visits, but New Moon has not yet learned the name of that supervisor. Perhaps the court has not yet made that decision.

Britney's lawyer has requested that Miz Spears' mother be named as the supervisor.

Heartbreak for Britney

More heartbreak for Britney Spears fans. After losing custody of her two children to her former husband, Britney has now been granted supervised visitation rights to see the boys, Sean Preston and Jayden James. This order came from the same Los Angeles judge who denied custody because he felt that Britney's behavior presented a possible danger to the children. Britney will now be permitted to visit the boys every other day.

Several commentators have stated that Britney does not appear to be all that unhappy about losing custody of the children.

Stay tuned for more news about rich and famous boneheads.

Britney Loses Custody

New Moon must report that Britney Spears has lost custody of her two sons, Sean Preston and Jayden James. Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon awarded sole custody of the children to Kevin Federline, Britney's former husband. The two parents previously shared joint custody.

The court order that announced the decision contained no reason or reasons, although Britney's latest troubles with drugs and alcohol may have figured into the ruling.

Britney Hits and Runs!

Britney Spears has been charged with hit-and-run driving after a fender bender in a Los Angeles parking lot on August 6. Britney allegedly hit a parked car but failed to report the accident or wait around to talk to the car's owner.

If found guilty of hit-and-run driving, Britney could be sentenced up to six months in jail and fined $1000. The whole issue will be aired at a hearing on October 10.

Britney Again!

Rich and famous boneheads continue to populate the daily news. Britney Spears is allegedly using altogether too many controlled substances for her own welfare.

Judge Scott Gordan ordered Britney to submit to random drugs tests if she wants to keep joint custody of her children, custody that she now shares with her former hubby.

Britney's lawyers have allegedly advised her to enter rehab for the fourth time this year. The staff at New Moon doesn't know if this would impress Judge Gordon.

It's Britney Spears!

Things keep going to hell for the rich and famous Britney Spears. Judges continue to take a dim view of her alleged use of drugs and alcohol. Her former husband doesn't want to give her custody of their children.

And now bad has given way to worse. After Britney's appearance at a recent awards show, critics said that her career is over. Her singing ability, they claimed, has dropped from high to subterranean.

The critics are wrong. The fact is that Britney Spears never had any talent to begin with. Her singing has always been dreadful.

This observation requires no great insight. Almost all pop singers in Britney's generation have absolutely no talent. Their music is painful to the ear. It relies on flashing lights and flashy apparel. Whether it's Britney or Avril, the stuff is worthless.

Please stop the music.

Britney Spears Has Problems

I have bad news for Britney Spears (BS) fans. BS and Kevin Federline (KF), her ex-husband, are quarreling about who gets custody of their two children.

Both mom and dad want the kids, and now KF wants the medical records for Britney's stay in a drug-treatment joint called "Promises" last March.

One assumes that KF and his lawyer want to show that BS is not fit to have custody. They hope to prove that BS still has a substance-abuse problem. The lawyer for KF could then argue in court that KF would be the most responsible of the two parents and should therefore get custody of the children.

Sorry, BS fans.

Britney Spears Hits And Runs

Shocking news for Britney Spears fans. While pulling into a parking space, the 25-year-old singer smashed into a parked car.

Although all this was captured on film and video, Britney made no attempt to report the accident.

The car's owner, Kim Robard-Rifkin, a registered nurse, waited three days to allow time for Britney to contact her. Finally, she grew impatient and called the police.

"I'm not asking for money," Ms. Robard-Rifkin said. "I'm not asking for a new car. ... I simply want my car fixed, the same as I would fix somebody's car if I had done that."

Britney did not reply to repeated phone calls from New Moon.